Brace yourself, this could be a long one

Well, yesterday, I started appointments at 9:15am, and didn't get home from the hospital until 3:30.  And we drove through blizzard conditions to get there.

My mom and Dave were both there with me to help me sift through information, take notes, and keep me company through an incredibly long day.

So....here we go.  We found out that although the initial pathology reports came back showing the tumor to be smaller than we thought, at it's fullest size, it's actually larger than they thought.  Bummer.

Since it's spread to the sentinal node, my medical oncologist is recommending that we remove 6-10 more nodes to test for further cancer, which may change our radiology plans down the road, and if most or all of the nodes come back cancer-positive, then I would also undergo further testing to see if the cancer has taken root in another part of my body.  I'm planning to get a second opinion on this plan of action tomorrow, but I anticipate that the second opinion will most likely support this.  There are other alternatives, but this is the most aggressive way to fight my form of cancer, which makes it the "safest" route.

So, I'll be having (another) surgery on Friday.  Yep, this Friday.  Then I'll go through a few weeks of healing, then start chemo.  I will probably start chemo on either the 12th or the 19th, then I'll have chemo every other Friday for 4 months.  May I just tell you, I am not looking forward to this.  Not only will I be bald and need a wig, and my eyelashes might fall out, and I had to find out all about tons of side effects (you know, which ones are "normal," and which ones I have to call the overnight doctor asap for), but I have to give myself shots 5 days out of every 2 weeks for 4 months of treatment.  SHOTS.  I nearly passed out when I had to get the H1N1 vaccine when they came at me with the needle.  Better start praying for strength now.

After all that's done, then I'll be doing radiation, for probably 5-6 weeks, 5 days a week.  I'll basically be getting a tan, just a very uneven one.  So far, in spite of the inconvenience for scheduling, that sounds like the easiest part of this process.

Many of you have asked, via email, phone, text, etc, how we're doing with all of this.  So, to answer, we are very, very tired.  And overwhelmed with so much information. I have two more appointments tomorrow, had 6 hours of appointments yesterday, and have my second surgery (3rd if you count the double biopsy, though that's not technically a surgery) of the year.  And it's just January.

People have said that I'm brave, or handling this really well, or things like that.  So here's even more honesty.  I can't speak for Dave, but there are days that I feel like I just can't do this anymore.  Many of you may not know this, but this past December was our 3 year mark of trying for kids.  I have been on fertility meds since spring of 2008 - and they were really hard on me, and on us. I have literally felt sick from day 1 of the meds.  We had just decided to take a break from the fertility drugs for a bit, because I just couldn't do it anymore. The effects of the drugs hadn't quite worn off when I got my diagnosis of cancer.

And, to add to all of this, my cancer is estrogen-positive.  To boil that down, that means estrogen feeds my cancer, and I'll have to take an anti-estrogen pill for 5 years.  And we'll probably never be able to have biological kids.  In fact, I may go through menopause at the age of 28.

There's an Andrew Peterson song that really speaks my heart.  I copied the lyrics below.  You can listen to it on YouTube here (I have no idea what the video is about, but you can open it in a different window and just listen to it).

Lyrics to Faith To Be Strong :
Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong

We are tired. We are sad.  And I don't feel very brave. There are days where the ache is so deep, the pain so intense, that I feel like I can't breathe.  I have times where I am so tired of feeling sick from fertility and now cancer, so weary of doctors and tests and bad news, that I just cry. We aren't trusting God through this because it seems like the "good" thing to do.  We're trusting God because we are in so much pain that we don't have any other choice.  We don't have faith in God because we're just that great, we have faith in God because only He can bring us through this.   His grace will be sufficient for us.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him."

It's our only option.