I have been thinking of this song so much lately.  I don't actually listen to radio a lot, but I still hear it fairly often, and I have to admit that I love it.  Many people reference this song as giving hope for the future - that God has a plan, despite the pain or trials they're currently facing.

For me, though, it's the story of God's faithfulness through the past few years of my life.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

I did all that.  I prayed for family - probably not in the way she means, but we prayed, begged, and pleaded with God for a family.  We prayed for healing from infertility.  During cancer, I prayed often for him to ease my suffering.

But the reason it's so important to not just tell God what we want, but to also ask that His will be done, is because he knows more than we do.  He has the bigger picture in mind.  And he loves us too much to give us anything less than his best.

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long we'd have faith to believe

That last line of this verse hits me every time - God longs for us to trust him, to have the faith to believe in his plan.  It's so humbling to me every time I remember that the God of the Universe desires for me to trust him.  Why is it that we still struggle with trusting a Sovereign God?  I am so thankful that he is patient with me when I falter.

...'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

One of the greatest disappointments in my entire life was finding out that I would not be able to have biological children. The depth of heartache that I felt would take 10 more posts to describe, but for the moment, I will simply say that it was devastating.


Absolutely gut-wrenching.

But with that intense pain came an opportunity.  A chance to see God's goodness, and an opportunity to trust him.    To trust that the depth of God's love was far more encompassing than the depth of my pain.

If we had babies when we wanted them, if I hadn't gone through all that I had, we wouldn't have Isaac now.  And I wouldn't trade Isaac for anything.  I wouldn't give him up even if it meant that I could go back and erase all the nauseating infertility treatments or the excruciating rounds of chemo.  

But even beyond the immeasurable blessing of having a son, I can truly attest to the fact that "our greatest disappointments," and "the aching of this life," revealed a greater thirst for Christ.  I have experienced pain, experienced loss, and through it all, found that knowing Christ gives me more joy than I can ever describe.

It is a blessing to be able to say that I know that God is good - that his mercies are there, and that he is faithful, and that His love is perfect, even if I don't see how it all fits together right there in that moment.

This song came on in the car yesterday when Isaac was with me, and when he asked what it was about I tried to explain it to him - that even when hard things happen, sometimes those are the same things that God uses in our lives because he loves us, and he has a plan for us.  Then I told him (again) how Dave and I prayed so long for someone to love in our lives, and that having him in our family was just one more way God showed us how much he loves us.

It got really quiet in the backseat.  I peeked back there, to find him with a funny look on his face.

"What are you thinking about?," I asked.
"Just wondering when you're going to stop talking."
"Why do you want me to stop?"
"Because you're making my eyes leak, because I'm just so happy!"
"Me too bud.  God is good!"

Sometimes life is unfair, and yet....

Yesterday was kind of a tough day for me.  I spent the morning down at the DHS office, going through Isaac's paperwork, taking notes on his case, and getting copies of some of it.

It broke my heart.

Legally, I can't post the details here, but what I can say, is this.  Sometimes, life feels really unfair.  And the more that I learn about kids who are in the foster system, the more unfair life really feels.

It was gut-wrenching to read through a stack of papers that was literally 7-8 inches high, full of all the documentation of my son's life before I knew him.

And then, I realized all over again what a truly amazing kid he is.

I think of all the negative behaviors he could exhibit, then I think about how kind he is to Yarbo, how quick he is to say please and thank-you, and how much he still likes talking about what gentlemen do.

He has gone through so much, and yet, his heart is so tender and gentle.  He could be angry at the world, and yet, on Saturday, he spent pretty much the entire day singing Bible verses that we had taught him from a music album I had when I was a kid.

We've talked a lot in the past 6 weekends about God, and it blessed my heart for him to tell me last Sunday, all on his own, that he likes reading his Bible that we got for him, because then he knows how to obey God, and he wants to obey God.

I was thinking about this, and I think my prayer for Isaac as he moves from his old life to his new life as our son is found in Zechariah 13:9:

And I will put this third into the fire,and refine them as one refines silver,and test them as gold is tested.They will call upon my name,and I will answer them.I will say, ‘They are my people’;and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”

Isaac's old life is not what I would have chosen for my son whom I love, but I think this is the next step in my journey of trusting God with my whole heart.   Because as much as I love Isaac, God loves him more, and He is always in control, working for our good and His glory.

 And so today, I am praying that God uses Isaac's difficult beginnings as a refining fire in his life, one that draws him eternally closer to his Heavenly Father.

My greatest desire is for Isaac to accept Christ into his heart, and follow after God his whole life.  And I am hoping and trusting that God uses the difficult times in Isaac's life to do just that.

1 Peter 1:6-9  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

So, here I am, trying once more to trust God with everything.  Trusting that if I put all my hope in him, and take refuge in His goodness, that I will taste, and see, that He is good.

In the meantime, God is molding Isaac's heart into something far more precious than gold, and it's a blessing, and a privilege to be getting a front row seat for the transformation.

Want to change a life?

I asked God a long time ago to teach me to see people as he sees them, then to love them as He would love them.  And as I've prayed those prayers, God has continually been showing me that we can't just sit in the pews on Sundays, hear a good message, then go out the door and keep living life as though nothing has happened.  God's word is living, and active - and it should be continually changing us, refining us, and molding us.

I have gotten lots of questions about adoption and foster care from some readers, and one thing I've often heard is "I don't know if I could make that large of a commitment."  I understand that, I really do.  Adoption is a huge commitment, one that is only trumped by my decision to follow Christ, and my commitment to my husband.

That being said, I've always loved finding solutions, and I have one for you.  If you are in that place - you have desire to help hurting families, but aren't ready to adopt or even have long-term foster kids, then I would encourage you to become a Safe Family.

Safe Families are different than a foster family in many ways.  One main difference is that the parents voluntarily place their children in the program, and maintain full parental rights during the placement.   The goal is to help the families before they get to a place where they lose their rights, and to give parents a little breathing room to get things straightened out in their lives, whether that be going to rehab, undergoing surgery or medical treatments, or finding a job.

In addition, this program is not state or federally run - it's a non-profit organization intended to mobilize people of faith in reaching out to people struggling in their community.

This is a way for the church to come alongside hurting people and help them pick up the pieces.

In this video, Katie Couric interviews people from different sides of this program:

Katie Couric on Safe Families for Children from John Norton on Vimeo.


Right now, Dave and I are committed to adoption, but for those of you who are not ready to permanently add to your families, how amazing would it be to be able to help those who are desperately struggling to hold things together?

The mom that they interviewed as she was dropping her kids off to their Safe Family brought tears to my eyes.  To have cancer is awful enough (trust me, I would know!), but to then lose your job, and your home, while caring for 2 kids is completely, utterly, overwhelming. She so badly wanted to be a good mom, and having someone take care of her kids freed her to find a job and get to a better place in her life.

What better way to show love to people who are in need then to provide practical, tangible assistance at a time where they need it most?  I would strongly encourage you to think about it, and consider whether you could be that person, or family, who makes such a difference in someone's life.

To read more, or to volunteer to help, please click here.

365 days later....

I'll never forget January 6, 2010.  All morning, my stomach was churning, to the point where I felt nauseous.  It was a Wednesday, and I had been waiting for the results of my double biopsy since Monday afternoon.

About 12:15, as I was on my way home from work, my cell phone rang.  I'll never forget that moment.  I was getting on the interstate from Hickman, and I was trying to merge into the noon-traffic when I heard the words, "Kelli, I'm so sorry.  It's cancer."  The world started spinning, but somehow I made it home, and I remember my hands were shaking as I was trying to write down the name of the surgeon I was supposed to meet with.

I remember trying to tell a few people that first day, and it was so overwhelming just to say the words, "I have cancer," much less try to explain anything else.

So many things raced through my mind.  I had no idea what stage I was at that point - whether I would die in a few weeks, or have a chance to live life after cancer.  I was pretty sure I wouldn't like being bald (I was right!), and I wondered how bad chemo would be.

Wandering through the maze of treatment options and diagnosis became a time to cry out to God in a whole new way.  I began the process already feeling emotionally drained from all the infertility treatments we'd gone through.  I honestly felt like I didn't have any energy left to deal with cancer.

But the amazing thing about God is that He meets you wherever you are.  It is our choice to simply trust him - and He is faithful, even when we have nothing left.  He comes through; he shows up, every time.  During those long days, and even longer nights, He was my comfort and my strength; my shelter in a horrible storm.

I won't say that I didn't spend time wondering "why?" or wishing I understood how cancer was the best thing for my life.  But there are two absolutes that I know about God:  He is always sovereign, and he is always good.  And I know that he has used cancer in my life to refine me, and draw me closer to Himself.  Dave and I grew closer, and I treasure the relationships in my life so much more.

I'd been reading Psalm 34 for awhile, and I clung to those verses that day - those words carried promise, and hope:

Psalm 34
Of David.

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Breast cancer was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but now, it's a year since the date of my diagnosis.  That's such a big milestone!  And I feel so privileged to be able to celebrate it.  God never promises good health - but I'm so grateful that He has given that to me.

Exactly one year ago today, I said here that I was going to "take the challenge" from Psalms 34.  I was going to take refuge in the Lord, and see that He is good.  I have spent the past 365 days seeking refuge in the Lord, and with every fiber of my cancer-free being, I can promise you this:  I have tasted, I have seen, that He is really, truly good.

"Peace Peace" - a beautiful song and a deep desire.

I've found it hard to put into words all that I've been thinking about lately.  I couldn't even figure out how to blog about it all, and I've told the Internet a lot of things this past year.  But, I was listening to a song in my car today that really hit home.  It's Peace Peace, from Sara Grove's album O Holy Night (an album which  I believe I can safely give the title of "Favorite Christmas Album of 2010" to).

You can listen to the song for free by clicking here (lyrics are copied below, at the end of the post).

This year has been so....overwhelming.  And I've been thinking about that a lot lately.  At this time last year, we felt weary and exhausted, and were looking forward to 2010, because we had so many plans to make it amazing.  We had no idea that in just a couple of short weeks, our entire world would come crashing down.

Now, a year later, so many things are going in the right direction, but there are still days when I just feel tired.  And I get mad at the cancer that took so much out of me this past year.  And I struggle with understanding why it's so hard for us to have a family when I would do anything for the chance to be a mom.  There are days when life still just doesn't feel fair.  And on those days (and there have been several in a row this week), it's hard not to let those feelings steal my peace.

I love this song because it encapsulates the meaning of real peace.  "All your hopes and fears are met in Him tonight."  Sometimes it's easy for me to be results-oriented instead of heart-oriented.  I get really riled up thinking about unfair things, when that's never what God promised.  Fairness is not part of the gospel - it wasn't fair for Jesus to die on the cross.  It's not "fair" to be given the free gift of eternal life, when I've done nothing to deserve it.  God never promises fairness, but He does give us peace - in fact, he is the Prince of Peace (taken from Isaiah 9:6).

There's a verse that I've been thinking about ever since it was talked about in church last Sunday.  It was a great Sunday, where several people told their stories about how God's grace has changed their lives.  The last person to share talked about Philippians 4, and the peace of God.  Here's the passage:

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

The really comforting part in all of these verses is that the peace of God guarding my mind has nothing to do with all my hopes and dreams coming true.  Peace comes through a relationship with God.  It seems like the steps are this:

• Rejoice in the Lord - be thankful for your relationship with Him, let that be a center stone.
• Present requests to God - be honest with what you long for, share the desires of your heart
• Trust in Him for the results, and experience the peace of knowing He is in control.

I want to be clear; I am speaking as one who is still working to figure this out.  I never want to come across as having the answers to everything.  I don't.  I just know that when my heart hurts, no matter what else I try, I find that God is always the most healing answer - that "all my hopes and fears are met in Him tonight."

Peace Peace (lyrics)

Peace Peace it's hard to find

trouble comes like wrecking ball

to you peace of mind

and all that worry you can't leave behind

all your hopes and fears

all your hopes and fears

all your hopes and fears

are met in Him tonight

peace peace

it's hard to find

doubt comes like a tiny voice that's

so unkind

and all your fears they conspire

to unwind you

all your hopes and fears

all your hopes and fears

all your hopes and fears

are met in Him

And in your dark street shines 

and everlasting light

and all your hopes and fears

are met in Him tonight

all your hopes and fears

all your hopes and fears

all your hopes and fears

are met in Him tonight

peace peace

peace peace

peace peace

Mosaics on my screensaver

I found this really cool feature on my computer in the screen saver options. It takes all the pictures on your computer and makes a moving mosaic of them, which eventually turns into another picture from your computer.  It's kind of...mesmerizing.  It's hard to explain, but I took a video of one of the mosaics with my camera so you could see for yourself:

While being mesmerized, I've also been thinking a lot.  Sometimes it's so easy to focus on one "picture" in our lives.  It's easy to get stuck on the unpleasantness of a particular image, while forgetting the larger picture.  In the video, you can see several pictures of me when my hair had just started growing back, but as those photos grow smaller, the end image takes shape and becomes more clear.

Even though the mosaic contains pictures of my struggle with cancer, and photos of needles used for painful injections, and lots of other things, when it's fit in with all the rest of the photos, it's a beautiful flower. Sometimes God allows hard and painful things in our lives, but the truth is that He always knows just how to fit those things in our lives in order to make something beautiful.  Sometimes we don't get to see that view right away - sometimes, we may not see how all the pieces fit together until we reach heaven and see Him face to face, but we can have peace knowing that he works everything for our good and for His glory.

Romans 8:28 (NIV) 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So, right now, my computer screen saver has become a pretty reminder to keep the bigger picture in mind!

Change in direction!

First, let me apologize.  I promised to tell you "very soon" what the new direction in our lives would be, and...well...it's taken me a little longer than I expected.  I recently found out people were taking bets on what it is, so to relieve the suspense, I'll tell you now!  We are working towards adoption!  Now, here's the back story.

We had always thought we would have some biological children, and adopt some children.  After trying for biological children for three years, that wasn't looking real great.  Breast cancer was the final kicker on that one, for several medical reasons.  So, we changed our plan, and decided that we'd adopt all of our children.  We wanted to adopt infants at first, which would probably mean overseas adoption, and then later adopt older children, possibly from the foster care system.

For the most part, in private adoptions, birth parents choose the adoptive parents for their children.  You're not guaranteed to be placed with a child no matter what, but having breast cancer in my recent history makes it even more difficult to be chosen.  So, we planned to adopt overseas.  We chose a an agency, chose our countries we were interested in, filled out our application, and paid the deposit.  The next day, we received a phone call.  "Um, about your breast cancer....was that recent?" they asked.  "Yes," I said, "I just finished treatment in July!  However, my oncologist has completely cleared me for adoption, and is willing to provide a reference or anything you need."  I thought they would be excited for me!  After all, we want to bring orphaned children into our home.  What could go wrong?  "Well, we don't work with people who've had cancer until it's been 5 years."  I couldn't believe it.  I understand that some kinds of cancers unfortunately give you a much smaller long-term survival rate than others - but mine isn't one of them!  Even my specific type of breast cancer is among the "better" kinds to have.  So, we changed our plan, and decided we would adopt through the foster system first.

At this point, we are signed up for our first class on adoption through DHS (required first step).  After this first class, they run background checks (fingers crossed....j/k!), then we take 6 weeks of classes, finish our home study, then work towards placement.  The process can take 6-8 months, sometimes more, ocassionally less. 

We've always wanted children, and we've always agreed that God already knows our children. He "knows the plans he has for us," and we trust that He has chosen our children specifically for us, and chosen us for them.  Admittedly, we have struggled with not understanding why some people have families so easily, while it has been such a struggle for us.  But, at the end of it all, we believe and trust in God.  It's one thing to say we have faith when things are easy, but it's a blessing to have a chance to see that God is still faithful even when things are hard.  Please note, I did not say it feels good.  But truly, it is a blessing. 

We're uncertain what our future as potential parents looks like.   Adopting older children can have extra challenges, and we're pretty sure that don't have all the answers.  I doubt we have even half of the answers.  But, we do have the knowledge that our salvation is sure because of Christ's death and resurrection, and we have the love of Christ in our hearts - and we'll happily share that every day of our parenting careers. 

So, please pray for us -for wisdom, direction, and strength.  We're excited, a bit nervous, and eagerly anticipating seeing what God has in store for us!

I might actually miss radiation.

Let me me explain.

As you all know, music is really important to me.  As you may guess, I got that from my parents.  Both of my parents are musically talented - in fact, my dad's whole family is musical.  Some of my earliest memories of family reunions include my dad, his brothers, and my grandpa singing, "On the Jericho Road," acapella. I have always loved that song because of that! At our wedding, one of my most treasured memories (aside from the whole pledging our lives to each other thing), was my dad and his brothers singing our benediction, "The Lord Bless You and Keep You." 

When I was younger, on car trips, we'd often sing as a family to pass the time.  While some may find that slightly nerdy, those are some of my favorite memories from time spent in the car.  It was on one of those trips that I learned what has become my favorite hymn, "I come to the Garden Alone."  My family would sing it all together, and my dad and I have often sung it as a duet.

Here are the lyrics:

 

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The son of God discloses.

And He walks with me and He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known.

He speaks and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet that the birds hush their singing
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

And He walks with me and He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known.

I love this song - the imagery of God and me, spending time in a quiet garden, as "He tells me that I am his own."  Lately, radiation has become my garden.  Don't get me wrong - I hate how radiation makes me feel.  My skin is burned and very painful, and I'm always tired again.  But, 5 days a week, I have 5-10 minutes where I'm by myself in a room, and I have to lie completely still while the radiation machine rotates quietly around me.  I have been using those minutes to talk to God - to lift my friends and family up to Him, to thank Him for His faithfulness, and to simply feel joy in His presence.

A few months ago, I started praying that God would help me to be content where He has me - to not wish away time, but instead to trust that He has me exactly where he wants me, and thank Him for it.  In that radiation room, God is teaching me to bloom where I'm planted, and to use that time to the best of my ability.  I will celebrate being done, but I am thankful for the time that I've had in that room.

I'd stay in the garden with Him
'Tho the night around me be falling
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling

And He walks with me and He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known.

I don't know what God has next for me, but I am excited to find out.  In the meantime, I have 7 more days of radiation, so if there's anything I can pray for you about, please email me and let me know - I'd love to pray for you!

There's a song that has been running on repeat in my head lately - some of you may know it.  It's called, "If you want me to," by Ginny Owens.


Here are the lyrics:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason
why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a
world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

This song really hits home as I think about the journey I've been on in the recent months.  I don't feel the world turning against me, but it's felt like my body turned against me.  And no matter how many amazing people have surrounded us, there have been times where I've felt very alone.  And I don't know why God has brought this into my life.  But, I also know that I'm not the same person I was when I started, and I think God is using this in my life to refine me, to shape me and mold me.


I've been thinking about Jeremiah 29:11 a lot lately:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So often it seems like this verse is uses as a promise that life will eventually feel good.  You know, kind of a "don't worry, the sun will shine again," kind of verse.  I've been thinking lately that it's much more than that.   I don't think the promise to prosper me and not to harm me has nearly as much to do with my physical well being as it does with my spiritual well being.  Cancer has been extremely taxing physically and emotionally, but I do believe that God is using this in my life to bring me close to him. 


Another often-quoted verse is Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

It's one thing to say those words when everything is going great.  It's been another thing to say them when things aren't going as well.  But the fact is that the verse is the same, no matter what my circumstances.  God is the same, no matter what I'm going through.  He is still sovereign, and His word is always, always true. 


That's why, to me, Romans 5:8 is the REAL feel good verse of the Bible:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

 The fact is, God will work this cancer for my good.  And the wonderful news is, whether I see how that works out or not, He has already sent his Son to die for me.  My trust in Christ for eternal salvation is something that cancer can't take away.  Rather, it's made me even more aware of my mortality.  It's made me aware of how small I am, and how big God is.  These words between Paul and God from 2 Cor 12:8-10 hit so close to home for me:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

To say that I have not enjoyed cancer would be the understatement of the year for me.  Despite that, I can say that I am thankful for the ways that God has used it to strengthen my relationship with Him in the midst of it.  I can't say that I understand why I've had cancer, but I have felt His presence as He's led me through it.  He has been my refuge, my strength, and my comfort.


I've been doing a lot of thinking as all these cancer treatments are winding down, but these verse keep coming to mind over and over again, and they ring true every time!

Glorify the LORD with me;

let us exalt his name together...

...Taste and see that the LORD is good;      

blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

3.....2......1.......

Three more days until my last chemo treatment.

Three more days until it all hits again.

I am looking forward to, and dreading, this Friday.  I can't believe the day is really coming when I'll be done with this horribleness.  But I am really struggling to find the strength to go, knowing that I will spend more days in ridiculous amounts of pain.  I'm ready to be done, I'm so tired of this process.  I'm feeling so torn.

One thing that I've worked on for years is being content in the place that God has me in life.  I really tried to enjoy being single, not wishing away the time until God gave me a husband.  As a wife, I've really tried to enjoy just being married, and not wishing away the time until God blesses us with little munchkins of our own.  Those are the two biggest examples, but you get the idea.  Lately, though, I've realized that I've spent a lot of time just wishing away the days.  I don't want to do that.  The Bible talks alot about contentment:

1 Timothy 6:6
But godliness with contentment is great gain.

1 Timothy 6:7-9
For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

I still haven't figured out exactly how to be content in the middle of cancer, but I am trying not to wish away the days, and instead be thankful for each day that God gives me.  He's taught me so much through this long, pain - filled process, and I don't want to wish away anything that draws me closer to Him.

But, it's still hard.

Bet you know what's coming next.  Yep, a song. :)  This is a song I have sung for quite awhile now.  The message in the lyrics has gotten me through months of fertility treatments, negative pregnancy tests, loss of family members, and just lately, months of cancer.  It's such a comfort to reminded of the simple truth: the love of the Lord endures - forever & ever.


It's another one of the weird youtube videos.  I always use them because I don't quite understand the liability of posting music I own on a public blog, but sometimes the videos don't quite fit.  Anyway. I posted the lyrics below.





The Love of the Lord Endures

By Joy Williams

In all that I have found
Your evidence abounds
I’ve always sensed Your fingerprints
If I just look around

And yet this grand display
Will all soon pass away
So I hold on to the mighty truth
That Your love is here to stay

CHORUS
The love of the Lord endures
The love of the Lord endures
If there’s one thing I can be sure
It’s that the love of the Lord endures

Life has let me down
In wealth, joy can’t be found
I’ve searched for peace in all of these
But I have always found

CHORUS

When I stumble
When I fall
When I’m walking ten feet tall
Your love is there day after day
Even at the worst extreme
Or after I have been redeemed
Your love is there
And it won’t let me go

CHORUS

Forever, forever


It's almost time for my last chemo. 

3.....2......1.......

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer"

This round has been tough.  I've had a lot of trouble being able to sleep due to the pain, and being so tired just makes everything else feel worse.  My hands and feet have only had occasional burning and tingling this time, for which I am very thankful.  It still hurts when the tingling hits, but at least it's not constant this time.  The part that is constant, however, is the muscle and bone pain.  Even after upping my pain meds, my entire body hurts.

I finished my shots for this round, which means I only have 3 left.  My sharps container is getting pretty full, so it's a good thing I'm almost done!

I know I'm getting close to the end of chemo.  It just doesn't feel like I'm quite close enough.  I know that pretty soon I'll start feeling better, but it's still hard to see past the pain right now.  Even so, on May 21st I'll have my last round injected.  By the end of May, I won't be in nearly as much pain.  By the first week of June, I'll probably start getting at least a little energy back.  But right now, it's only May 11, and June still seems so far away.   At this moment, it's hard to see past the fact that it's 1am, and I'm in so much pain I can hardly stand it.  But, this too shall pass.

I have been meditating on a few verses over the last few days - one of which I've included below.  I have fallen in love with the Psalms all over again - they are so rich in comfort, and are filled with such strong words of trust.  There are times when I simply don't have the words on my own, but I can go to the Psalms and pray through the verses I find there.

Psalm 18:1-3, 28-32
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
       my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
       He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
       and I am saved from my enemies....

...You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
       my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
       with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect;
       the word of the LORD is flawless.
       He is a shield
       for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the LORD ?
       And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
       and makes my way perfect.

Here are a few prayer requests:

• That God would give me strength to get through these last few weeks
• That the pain would be manageable 
• For Dave - it's hard for him to see me in so much pain and not be able to "fix" it

Verses, songs, and unfailing promises.

I am really humbled by the support and encouragement I've gotten from many of you in the last couple of days - and I know countless more of you have prayed for me.  

This round has been really, really difficult.  More so than any of the other rounds.  Physically, it has been very painful, very tiring, and draining.  But even more, it's been emotionally draining.  I reached a very low point of feeling unable to cope any longer.  I'm still feeling pretty low.  Today, I couldn't go into work.  I was unable to even walk normally because of the pain, so I knew that going to work wasn't an option.  I hated to miss work. I hated knowing that I am causing my co-workers extra work by my absence.  I had to cancel all my piano lessons today, and I LOVE teaching.  It felt so unfair to have to miss it.

The thing is, life feels really unfair right now.  But, no matter what, I have given my life to God, and it's His to do with as He sees fit.  I can't trust him only in the good times, or claim his promises only when they feel good.  I can't tell Him what is or is not fair, that's just not how it works.  He loves me unconditionally, and asks for my unconditional trust in return.

Thankfully, He doesn't expect me to do this on my own.  Not only do I have the Holy Spirit living inside me, God also lifts me up through friends and family.  I have received a lot of verses and songs from friends and family over the last couple of days, and I wanted to share a few of them with you.  I don't know where you're at with God.  Maybe you're familiar with Him but it's not personal, or maybe you've been walking closely with Him for years.  Either way, I hope you let the truth of these verses wash over your heart and soul.  His promises are good, they are true, and they are ours for the claiming.

Psalm 59:16-17
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.

Psalm 13:5


But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Psalm 33:18


But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love 

Psalm 36:7


How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 119:76


May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.


Isaiah 54:10


“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.


Lamentations 3:32


Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.


Psalm 63:1-8

 ¹ O God, you are my God,
       earnestly I seek you;
       my soul thirsts for you,
       my body longs for you,
       in a dry and weary land
       where there is no water. 

² I have seen you in the sanctuary
       and beheld your power and your glory.

³ Because your love is better than life,
       my lips will glorify you.

⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
       and in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
       with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶ On my bed I remember you;
       I think of you through the watches of the night.

⁷ Because you are my help,
       I sing in the shadow of your wings. 

⁸ My soul clings to you;
       your right hand upholds me. 

And a song.  I love the richness of the lyrics; they are the story of my salvation.

How Deep The Father’s Love for Us

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

And make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

One of my favorite things about God is that He is constant. No matter how I am feeling on any given day, He doesn't change.  He faithful, He is true.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  It would be dishonest to say that I "feel" much better after reading all these verses, and listening to this song.  But despite all the chaos of my changing emotions, my heart finds rests when I focus on the eternal truths of God, and I pray the same might be true for you.

I can't think of a song today.

Well, yesterday I had round 6 of chemo.  I can't say that I'm done with round 6, because I still have all the side effects, and the shots, to get through.  But I'm getting there.

Yesterday, my doctor was happy with my progress so far, and the good news that came out of that appointment was that since my blood counts were so, so high last week, I only have to take 4 shots per chemo round from here on out!  You guys must have really been praying hard!  So, since I've already taken one shot today, I have a maximum of 11 shots left.  It's only a difference of 3 shots over the rest of my chemo, but I'll take any good news that I can get!

I've had a lot of that same jittery energy from all the steroids as I did last time. Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, worked on laundry, tidied up our room, and a whole bunch of other stuff, all before my appointment!  Today, Dave and I ran a bunch errands together, I folded two huge baskets of laundry, cut Dave's hair, baked bread, made a double batch of lasagna (Emily, yours tasted so much better....not sure what I did wrong!!), an entire vat of chicken noodle soup, and a variety of odds and ends.  But, now the steroids are wearing off, and I'm starting to crash.

In some ways, I've really enjoyed the day.  I've accomplished a lot, which felt good, and it was nice to have so much energy, if only for a little while.  But, all day long I've had this feeling of Impending Doom hanging over my head.  After the last round, I know what's coming, and while I'm hoping it might not be quite so horrible, I know what it might feel like.  Last time, I experienced pain unlike anything I had yet experienced.  And odds are, I will this time too  And I'm dreading it. 

So, in some ways, today has been really hard.  Now that I'm crashing, I know it's back to feeling sick for awhile.  And I'm so tired of that.  I hate the fact that being able to bake bread for the first time this year is such a big deal.  I hate that I run out of energy after cooking meals, to the point where poor Dave had to clean up the massive mess I made.  I hate that nothing in my life feels normal, and that pain has just become "normal." It's NOT normal to be in this much pain, all the time.  I am struggling to not just completely give in to feeling sorry for myself, and I don't like that.  But, that's where I am today.  I am sad, and I hate cancer.

I know there is music that would soothe my heart.  I know there are Bible verses that would feed my soul.  And before I go to bed tonight, I'm determined to think of them, and draw close to God through them.  But right now, I feel so frustrated by my life, so tired of dealing with cancer.  So, until I can think of verses and songs, I'm going to count on your prayers.  I'm so thankful that God listens. 

But, despite my inability to pull myself out of this current feeling, even now, in my head, I know that God sees me, He knows my pain, and that He hurts with me.  And I know that even though I don't understand why I'm going through this, I know he's promised to work everything for the good of those who love Him.  And I do love Him.

Music pick of the day

Music has always had an important place in my life.  I've spent years playing the piano, and have been teaching now for several years.  I've always enjoyed making and listening to music - it's so therapeutic, no matter what the situation.  For as long as I can remember, music has been the coping mechanism that has been near and dear to my heart.  So, I wanted to share another song that I've been listening to lately.  It came on the radio yesterday, and I was just overwhelmed with the message.



The lyrics are below for you to read.  The first verse alone reminds me of the peace I have because because I have trusted in Christ - "though my heart and flesh may fail." No matter what this life may hold for me, the best is yet to come.  One day, there will be no more sorrow, no more pain.  I'll be in heaven with Christ - my faith will be realized, and I'll be praising God with the angels.

Now, in all reality, I have every expectation of beating breast cancer - I expect to be cured, and live a long life, Lord willing.  Medically speaking, my long term outlook is very good, and I think I have a better chance of being hit by a car than dying of breast cancer.   But there's nothing like being diagnosed with a life threatening disease to make you think.  Someday life on earth will be over, and I'm so thankful that the grave will not be the end.  And knowing that no matter what, my future lies in heaven, I can say, "it is well," despite the pain and frustration of having cancer.  Jesus has overcome!


I Will Rise - by Chris Tomlin
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Woo hoo!

Thank you so much to all of you who prayed for my appointment today.  Praise the Lord, I don't have to take anymore shots this round!  So, I have 15 total shots left.  With continued prayer, I can do this, and the joy of the Lord will be my strength.


I wanted to share a song that I've been listening to over and over lately - Your Hands, by JJ Heller. It's about resting and trusting in the hands of God, despite hard times.  It focuses on the fact that God is constant and trustworthy when all of life is unreliable and uncertain.  It's been so comforting to me lately.  I posted the lyrics below, and pray that it will be a blessing to you too!





Lyrics:
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands


For more JJ Heller: www.jjheller.com

Round 5 - over half way there!

Well, I made it through Round 5, and I am now over half way done with chemo!!!!!  I had a whole new set of drugs this time.  I don't remember if I explained this in previous posts or not, but I have total of 8 scheduled rounds of chemo.  The first four were one set of drugs, and rounds 5-8 are a different set of drugs.  I was really nervous to start this new round, because there is a chance of allergic reactions, most of which sounded kind of scary. 

The good news is that my doctor is one of the few that prescribes a huge amount of steroids prior to, as well as during the chemo, to try to avoid the allergic reaction. These steroids had two major effects.  First, and most importantly, I did not have any allergic reactions!  Praise the Lord for that!  Second, I have had a burst of energy unlike anything I have experienced in 2010.  It's sort of a weird, jittery energy kind of like when I used to get when I'd have WAY too much caffeine studying for college finals, but I have accomplished more in the last two days than in the last month combined!  I'm starting to come down from them now, but it was really nice while it lasted!

Some of the side effects from this drug are tingling and numbness in my hands and feet.  The tingling is starting to take effect in my feet, which is now making it uncomfortable to walk.  I'd rather just have the numbness (well, I think I would anyway...who knows!)! There is about a 5% chance that it may never go away, so please pray that I fall into the 95% of those for whom it does completely go away!  It's uncomfortable.

Another major side effect, other than the extreme fatigue that just seems to go with chemo, is muscle and bone ache in my legs and hips.  Since I also get extreme pain in those areas from my neupogyn shots, I'm a little nervous for that.  That usually sets in by day 2 or 3, so either tomorrow or Monday I'll be finding out how bad it is.

All that being said, my doctor and nurses all said that MOST people find these drugs easier to take than the first set, so I'm praying that to be true.

Finally, since it's a different drug, I have to get my white count tested again later this week to see if I still only have to take 5 shots per chemo round, or if this new chemo drug lowers my blood count enough to require me to take even more than that.  Please pray that I don't have to take more than 5 shots per round!  They cause so much pain, and I really don't want to take anymore than 5. 

I wanted to share one passage that I have been focusing on lately.  It's Psalm 27, and here are a few of my favorite verses from it:

 ⁴ One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.
 ⁵ For in the day of trouble
       he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
       he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
       and set me high upon a rock.
 ⁶ Then my head will be exalted
       above the enemies who surround me;
       at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
       I will sing and make music to the LORD.
 ⁷ Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
       be merciful to me and answer me.
 ⁸ My heart says of you, "Seek his ^[b] face!"
       Your face, LORD, I will seek. 

I  love these verses. It keeps me focused when I'm in pain, or feeling discouraged because I get so tired and feel so crummy so often.  It keeps me focused on Christ when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope from being so sick for what is starting to feel like so long.  No matter what, I have the Holy Spirit living inside me - truly, He is my Helper.  And deep in my heart, he keeps reminding me to seek God's face, to keep looking at the eternal perspective, knowing that Heaven is my home, and that this pain is only temporary.

And, the wonderful thing is that the more I focus on Christ, and make Him my refuge from all that feels awful, the more I am finding my theme verse to hold true:

Taste and see that the LORD is good;

blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Psalm 34:8

God is good, all the time!

Fever :(

Well, I've made it through a week of chemo!  That's the good news.  The bad news is that I have a fever.  It's reached 101.1, and has been all over the place, mostly over 100.  Please pray that it goes down quickly, and that they don't have to put me on antibiotics!

I had bloodwork done on Thursday, and my white cell count was low, but not dangerous - it was 1.5.  For those of you who, like me, are on a huge learning curve, a healthy count is anywhere between 2 and 8, I think.  So, I'm low, but I guess 0.5 is where they start really worrying.

Other than that, this week has been completely exhausting.  I have been tired, exhausted, cranky(sorry honey...), and my bones have hurt SO badly.  Hopefully this "off" week will be better, and I'll feel better before it's time for my next round.

It's been hard not to feel sorry for myself this week - I really, really miss feeling good )sigh....winter of 2008, you are a fond memory!).  Wow.  Welcome to the pity party.  So, to combat that, I started making a list of all the promises that God's made to me.  Here are a few of my favorites:

His love will never fail
He'll never leave me
He'll never forsake me
He hears my prayers
He's the Great Comforter - to me, to those around me who are hurting, to all of us.
He WILL work everything for my good.
My salvation is sure (what a big one! ask me if you don't know what I mean by that!)

The thing is, God never promised me good health.  It would be easy to wish He had, but I know He has a plan, and I am confident of His love.  It would also be easy to compare myself to someone else (you know, "someone" always has it worse than you!), but it's really not about other people, either.  This is about me and God.  And He's shown up, every time.

With that, I'm off to nap until Dave brings home dinner. 

Thanks for your prayers!

First shot done, at least 19 to go.

Well, I gave myself the first shot.  Let's just say I would not make a good drug addict, I don't like those needles at all!  But, my mom cheered me on, refused to do it for me when I said I couldn't do it, and helped me get up the courage to just do it.  So, it took awhile, but now I know I can do it tomorrow (though I'm still dreading it!).  Thanks Mom!

My parents have been with us again this weekend, and we've been so thankful for their help.  Not only have they gone to appointments with us and helped us keep track of medicine and such, but they've helped us get caught up on things and get things done that we run out of energy to deal with during the week. 


Aside from that, chemo has not left me feeling very well.  I have felt pretty nauseous, but the arsenal of drugs that they prescribed have helped a lot.  My face is also really flushed, so I look weird. :)  I'm not as tired because of the steroids they put me on, but every time I move a new wave of nausea hits, so that's a little frustrating.  I am, however, very thankful to have the first chemo injections done with, because now I know what to expect a little bit more next time I go, and it won't be quite so terrifying.  This first one is supposed to be the worst, because 1, the unknown factor is terrifying, 2, your body isn't used to it at all, 3, I'm still recovering from surgery.  Also, I am still dreading going bald, and that will only be something to dread this first round.  That will probably happen late next week.

We're getting very tired, but are holding on to Christ for our hope, our strength, and our comfort.  A friend left a comment on an earlier post, and included a verse I have been really holding on to the last couple of days:

Isaiah 43:2-3 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I read it right before going into chemo, fell asleep last night thinking about it, and it's been going through my mind today.  No matter what, God is right next to me, and that's why I can keep going.  When I pass through cancer, and surgeries, and chemo, and shots, God will be with me.  He is the Lord MY God, the Holy One of Israel, MY Savior. 

That's His promise to me, and I know He will be faithful to keep His word.  Praise the Lord for that!

Brace yourself, this could be a long one

Well, yesterday, I started appointments at 9:15am, and didn't get home from the hospital until 3:30.  And we drove through blizzard conditions to get there.

My mom and Dave were both there with me to help me sift through information, take notes, and keep me company through an incredibly long day.

So....here we go.  We found out that although the initial pathology reports came back showing the tumor to be smaller than we thought, at it's fullest size, it's actually larger than they thought.  Bummer.

Since it's spread to the sentinal node, my medical oncologist is recommending that we remove 6-10 more nodes to test for further cancer, which may change our radiology plans down the road, and if most or all of the nodes come back cancer-positive, then I would also undergo further testing to see if the cancer has taken root in another part of my body.  I'm planning to get a second opinion on this plan of action tomorrow, but I anticipate that the second opinion will most likely support this.  There are other alternatives, but this is the most aggressive way to fight my form of cancer, which makes it the "safest" route.

So, I'll be having (another) surgery on Friday.  Yep, this Friday.  Then I'll go through a few weeks of healing, then start chemo.  I will probably start chemo on either the 12th or the 19th, then I'll have chemo every other Friday for 4 months.  May I just tell you, I am not looking forward to this.  Not only will I be bald and need a wig, and my eyelashes might fall out, and I had to find out all about tons of side effects (you know, which ones are "normal," and which ones I have to call the overnight doctor asap for), but I have to give myself shots 5 days out of every 2 weeks for 4 months of treatment.  SHOTS.  I nearly passed out when I had to get the H1N1 vaccine when they came at me with the needle.  Better start praying for strength now.

After all that's done, then I'll be doing radiation, for probably 5-6 weeks, 5 days a week.  I'll basically be getting a tan, just a very uneven one.  So far, in spite of the inconvenience for scheduling, that sounds like the easiest part of this process.

Many of you have asked, via email, phone, text, etc, how we're doing with all of this.  So, to answer, we are very, very tired.  And overwhelmed with so much information. I have two more appointments tomorrow, had 6 hours of appointments yesterday, and have my second surgery (3rd if you count the double biopsy, though that's not technically a surgery) of the year.  And it's just January.

People have said that I'm brave, or handling this really well, or things like that.  So here's even more honesty.  I can't speak for Dave, but there are days that I feel like I just can't do this anymore.  Many of you may not know this, but this past December was our 3 year mark of trying for kids.  I have been on fertility meds since spring of 2008 - and they were really hard on me, and on us. I have literally felt sick from day 1 of the meds.  We had just decided to take a break from the fertility drugs for a bit, because I just couldn't do it anymore. The effects of the drugs hadn't quite worn off when I got my diagnosis of cancer.

And, to add to all of this, my cancer is estrogen-positive.  To boil that down, that means estrogen feeds my cancer, and I'll have to take an anti-estrogen pill for 5 years.  And we'll probably never be able to have biological kids.  In fact, I may go through menopause at the age of 28.

There's an Andrew Peterson song that really speaks my heart.  I copied the lyrics below.  You can listen to it on YouTube here (I have no idea what the video is about, but you can open it in a different window and just listen to it).

Lyrics to Faith To Be Strong :
Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong

We are tired. We are sad.  And I don't feel very brave. There are days where the ache is so deep, the pain so intense, that I feel like I can't breathe.  I have times where I am so tired of feeling sick from fertility and now cancer, so weary of doctors and tests and bad news, that I just cry. We aren't trusting God through this because it seems like the "good" thing to do.  We're trusting God because we are in so much pain that we don't have any other choice.  We don't have faith in God because we're just that great, we have faith in God because only He can bring us through this.   His grace will be sufficient for us.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him."

It's our only option.