I am really humbled by the support and encouragement I've gotten from many of you in the last couple of days - and I know countless more of you have prayed for me.
This round has been really, really difficult. More so than any of the other rounds. Physically, it has been very painful, very tiring, and draining. But even more, it's been emotionally draining. I reached a very low point of feeling unable to cope any longer. I'm still feeling pretty low. Today, I couldn't go into work. I was unable to even walk normally because of the pain, so I knew that going to work wasn't an option. I hated to miss work. I hated knowing that I am causing my co-workers extra work by my absence. I had to cancel all my piano lessons today, and I LOVE teaching. It felt so unfair to have to miss it.
The thing is, life feels really unfair right now. But, no matter what, I have given my life to God, and it's His to do with as He sees fit. I can't trust him only in the good times, or claim his promises only when they feel good. I can't tell Him what is or is not fair, that's just not how it works. He loves me unconditionally, and asks for my unconditional trust in return.
Thankfully, He doesn't expect me to do this on my own. Not only do I have the Holy Spirit living inside me, God also lifts me up through friends and family. I have received a lot of verses and songs from friends and family over the last couple of days, and I wanted to share a few of them with you. I don't know where you're at with God. Maybe you're familiar with Him but it's not personal, or maybe you've been walking closely with Him for years. Either way, I hope you let the truth of these verses wash over your heart and soul. His promises are good, they are true, and they are ours for the claiming.
Psalm 59:16-17
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.
Psalm 13:5
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
Psalm 33:18
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love Psalm 36:7
How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
Psalm 119:76
May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.
Isaiah 54:10
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Lamentations 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
Psalm 63:1-8
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
your right hand upholds me.
And a song. I love the richness of the lyrics; they are the story of my salvation.
How Deep The Father’s Love for Us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
One of my favorite things about God is that He is constant. No matter how I am feeling on any given day, He doesn't change. He faithful, He is true. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It would be dishonest to say that I "feel" much better after reading all these verses, and listening to this song. But despite all the chaos of my changing emotions, my heart finds rests when I focus on the eternal truths of God, and I pray the same might be true for you.
Kelli,
ReplyDeleteYour writings are so honest and real...I have to tell you that when I read your blog my heart truly aches for you (and others who are going through similar cancer treatments). But what a witness you are to God's strength, might and power...and His continual presence in your life. May He continue to pour His love, peace and comfort into you and Dave...I pray He will give you relief from the pain and continue to bring healing and restoration to your body.
In His love,
Gail