Saturday, April 24, 2010

I can't think of a song today.

Well, yesterday I had round 6 of chemo.  I can't say that I'm done with round 6, because I still have all the side effects, and the shots, to get through.  But I'm getting there.

Yesterday, my doctor was happy with my progress so far, and the good news that came out of that appointment was that since my blood counts were so, so high last week, I only have to take 4 shots per chemo round from here on out!  You guys must have really been praying hard!  So, since I've already taken one shot today, I have a maximum of 11 shots left.  It's only a difference of 3 shots over the rest of my chemo, but I'll take any good news that I can get!

I've had a lot of that same jittery energy from all the steroids as I did last time. Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, worked on laundry, tidied up our room, and a whole bunch of other stuff, all before my appointment!  Today, Dave and I ran a bunch errands together, I folded two huge baskets of laundry, cut Dave's hair, baked bread, made a double batch of lasagna (Emily, yours tasted so much better....not sure what I did wrong!!), an entire vat of chicken noodle soup, and a variety of odds and ends.  But, now the steroids are wearing off, and I'm starting to crash.

In some ways, I've really enjoyed the day.  I've accomplished a lot, which felt good, and it was nice to have so much energy, if only for a little while.  But, all day long I've had this feeling of Impending Doom hanging over my head.  After the last round, I know what's coming, and while I'm hoping it might not be quite so horrible, I know what it might feel like.  Last time, I experienced pain unlike anything I had yet experienced.  And odds are, I will this time too  And I'm dreading it. 

So, in some ways, today has been really hard.  Now that I'm crashing, I know it's back to feeling sick for awhile.  And I'm so tired of that.  I hate the fact that being able to bake bread for the first time this year is such a big deal.  I hate that I run out of energy after cooking meals, to the point where poor Dave had to clean up the massive mess I made.  I hate that nothing in my life feels normal, and that pain has just become "normal." It's NOT normal to be in this much pain, all the time.  I am struggling to not just completely give in to feeling sorry for myself, and I don't like that.  But, that's where I am today.  I am sad, and I hate cancer.

I know there is music that would soothe my heart.  I know there are Bible verses that would feed my soul.  And before I go to bed tonight, I'm determined to think of them, and draw close to God through them.  But right now, I feel so frustrated by my life, so tired of dealing with cancer.  So, until I can think of verses and songs, I'm going to count on your prayers.  I'm so thankful that God listens. 

But, despite my inability to pull myself out of this current feeling, even now, in my head, I know that God sees me, He knows my pain, and that He hurts with me.  And I know that even though I don't understand why I'm going through this, I know he's promised to work everything for the good of those who love Him.  And I do love Him.


  1. Praying for you Kelli. Been thinking on this verse:

    You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. 2Ti 2:1

    The idea of "keep on being empowered" in Christ, "keep in touch with the power" that is Chris.

    We love you.

  2. I am sad too, Kelli, and I also hate cancer. But while reading your post, I kept thinking of the verse:

    Be joyful in all things!

    Praying God will turn your sadness into JOY!

  3. Thanks for sharing from your heart Kelli. Your honesty helps us to understand and know how to pray. And I continue to pray for you and trust God for complete healing and restoration.