Three more days until it all hits again.
I am looking forward to, and dreading, this Friday. I can't believe the day is really coming when I'll be done with this horribleness. But I am really struggling to find the strength to go, knowing that I will spend more days in ridiculous amounts of pain. I'm ready to be done, I'm so tired of this process. I'm feeling so torn.
One thing that I've worked on for years is being content in the place that God has me in life. I really tried to enjoy being single, not wishing away the time until God gave me a husband. As a wife, I've really tried to enjoy just being married, and not wishing away the time until God blesses us with little munchkins of our own. Those are the two biggest examples, but you get the idea. Lately, though, I've realized that I've spent a lot of time just wishing away the days. I don't want to do that. The Bible talks alot about contentment:
1 Timothy 6:6
But godliness with contentment is great gain.
1 Timothy 6:7-9
For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
I still haven't figured out exactly how to be content in the middle of cancer, but I am trying not to wish away the days, and instead be thankful for each day that God gives me. He's taught me so much through this long, pain - filled process, and I don't want to wish away anything that draws me closer to Him.
But, it's still hard.
Bet you know what's coming next. Yep, a song. :) This is a song I have sung for quite awhile now. The message in the lyrics has gotten me through months of fertility treatments, negative pregnancy tests, loss of family members, and just lately, months of cancer. It's such a comfort to reminded of the simple truth: the love of the Lord endures - forever & ever.
It's another one of the weird youtube videos. I always use them because I don't quite understand the liability of posting music I own on a public blog, but sometimes the videos don't quite fit. Anyway. I posted the lyrics below.
The Love of the Lord Endures
By Joy Williams
In all that I have found
Your evidence abounds
I’ve always sensed Your fingerprints
If I just look around
And yet this grand display
Will all soon pass away
So I hold on to the mighty truth
That Your love is here to stay
The love of the Lord endures
The love of the Lord endures
If there’s one thing I can be sure
It’s that the love of the Lord endures
Life has let me down
In wealth, joy can’t be found
I’ve searched for peace in all of these
But I have always found
When I stumble
When I fall
When I’m walking ten feet tall
Your love is there day after day
Even at the worst extreme
Or after I have been redeemed
Your love is there
And it won’t let me go
It's almost time for my last chemo.