It broke my heart.
Legally, I can't post the details here, but what I can say, is this. Sometimes, life feels really unfair. And the more that I learn about kids who are in the foster system, the more unfair life really feels.
It was gut-wrenching to read through a stack of papers that was literally 7-8 inches high, full of all the documentation of my son's life before I knew him.
And then, I realized all over again what a truly amazing kid he is.
I think of all the negative behaviors he could exhibit, then I think about how kind he is to Yarbo, how quick he is to say please and thank-you, and how much he still likes talking about what gentlemen do.
He has gone through so much, and yet, his heart is so tender and gentle. He could be angry at the world, and yet, on Saturday, he spent pretty much the entire day singing Bible verses that we had taught him from a music album I had when I was a kid.
We've talked a lot in the past 6 weekends about God, and it blessed my heart for him to tell me last Sunday, all on his own, that he likes reading his Bible that we got for him, because then he knows how to obey God, and he wants to obey God.
I was thinking about this, and I think my prayer for Isaac as he moves from his old life to his new life as our son is found in Zechariah 13:9:
And I will put this third into the fire,and refine them as one refines silver,and test them as gold is tested.They will call upon my name,and I will answer them.I will say, ‘They are my people’;and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”Isaac's old life is not what I would have chosen for my son whom I love, but I think this is the next step in my journey of trusting God with my whole heart. Because as much as I love Isaac, God loves him more, and He is always in control, working for our good and His glory.
And so today, I am praying that God uses Isaac's difficult beginnings as a refining fire in his life, one that draws him eternally closer to his Heavenly Father.
My greatest desire is for Isaac to accept Christ into his heart, and follow after God his whole life. And I am hoping and trusting that God uses the difficult times in Isaac's life to do just that.
1 Peter 1:6-9 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.So, here I am, trying once more to trust God with everything. Trusting that if I put all my hope in him, and take refuge in His goodness, that I will taste, and see, that He is good.
In the meantime, God is molding Isaac's heart into something far more precious than gold, and it's a blessing, and a privilege to be getting a front row seat for the transformation.