I've....um....been getting grouchy lately. That wasn't listed in the possible side-effects of my recent surgery, but I was never one to just stick to the book. I am finding that I'm getting very frustrated by not being able to do normal things. It's really frustrating to not be able to do dishes because it hurts. And I don't even like doing dishes! But you get the idea. Going to work and teaching is exhausting on its own. I feel like I can't take care of my my husband, myself, and our home in the way that I usually do. If you had asked me 2 months ago whether I found my self-worth in what I could do, I would have said "no way!" But....this has made me really question myself in that area. But, then, I also wouldn't have thought I was vain.
Which brings me to my next update. It turns out that I am more vain than I thought, and the idea of being bald is really weird. I already had one appointment for a wig, and tomorrow I will go to my second appointment, and probably get the wig then. I'll wait for a couple of weeks, then shave my head about the same time as my hair starts falling out. So....if you see a completely different hairstyle on me in the next couple of weeks....it's ok. You'll know it's a wig. And I'll know that you know. :)
If everything checks out ok from my my last surgery, I start chemo this Friday. I'm really nervous. I just have no idea how bad I'll feel - if I'll be able to live a somewhat normal life, or if I'll be laid up for the entire four months. Lots of people have given input as to how I may feel, but when it comes down to it, nobody really knows. There are a lot of different types of breast cancer, and of my particular type, there are 8 different recommendable treatments for it. And each of them has a whole list of possible side effects. There are so many possible side effects that they have them listed under categories such as "common," "less common," "not very common," and so on. And since I'm one of those people that like to plan out everything possible, the unknown factor is really difficult for me to deal with. But, I guess on Friday I'll start figuring it out.
On Saturday, I'll have to start giving myself shots. Since I nearly passed out getting my H1N1 shot, that should be.....an adventure. Thankfully, and weather permitting, my parents are coming up again. My mom was a nurse for a long time, and she used to give me shots when I was little. She was pretty good, if memory serves correctly, so that will be helpful.
Through all of this, we've been really blessed and touched by all the ways in which people have shown us kindness and thoughtfulness. God is working through each person in our lives and using you all to lift our spirits in this hard time. So thank you. From the depths of our hearts. I said this in an earlier post, but I want to be really honest and say that I haven't really done much emailing lately. To anyone. Typing for more than a few minutes hurts my arm like crazy. Typing this post has taken me a long time because I have to keep taking breaks. So please know that I LOVE to get emails. But I'm not really able to respond to them in the way that I'd like to. But your care and concern have meant so much.
Oh. And, for those of you in the DM area who have been so kind as to have brought us dinner, 2 things. First, YUM. We've had some delicious meals, and we have been so thankful to have them. Second, we....have some tupperware and we can't quite remember who it belongs to. I think it's pretty much the gladware or ziploc tupperware, so if you're missing it, email me and I'll make sure to get it back to you.
A couple of prayer requests:
* That chemo side effects would be manageable
* That the port would work right, and work well for the blood work and IV's
* That I would be able to successfully give myself shots
* For Dave - he has been so good to me, but I can see him getting tired too. Having a wife who has cancer is hard.
* That Dave and I would draw closer to each other through all of this.
* For safe travel - to and from appointments, to and from Cedar Rapids for my parents, etc.
* For God to be glorified through this.
...those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.