4 years and counting!

Blessed doesn't begin to describe how I feel right now.  It's been 4 years and 2 days since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I fought my battle with cancer with wonderful doctors, nurses, and techs guiding my care, and amazing friends and family holding me up in prayer and support, not to mention the oodles and oodles of delicious meals brought to us.  We were not only never hungry, we were never alone.  God sustained us and gave us an abundance of grace for each and every difficult day.  I learned to find joy and rest in the rocks and hard places.

At the end of my battle, we had a party.  By God's grace, I kicked cancer, and I kicked it hard.  I was so thankful, but God's grace and goodness just continued to overflow in my life.  He is so faithful!

I never thought I'd be able to have kids.  And yet God brought not just one, but two of the most amazing boys I've ever known to my home and entrusted them to me to be their mom.   There have been good days, bad days, and even some awful ones, but my word, I never knew I could love a child like that.

As followups continued, I had some scares.  But I promised to praise God no matter what, and even so, he has allowed continued health.  I don't deserve it, but I am so grateful.  He is good, no matter my circumstance, and I WILL give thanks, but sometimes, God just makes it so easy.

And then.  My word.  This past year, I had the shock of my life when I found out I was pregnant.  I never thought I would experience that, and I had come to terms with it.  But God is so gracious, so loving, and he loves to bless his children.  Those blessings do not always come in the form of easy things, or times that feel good, but he is so, so good, and I am absolutely humbled by the blessings he has put in my life.

This past September, I gave birth to one of the 3 most beautiful boys in the entire world, and I lost my heart all over again.  I never knew I could love three little people this much.

And now, 4 years after life felt like it was starting to crumble down around me, here I sit.  My two bigs are playing games while my tiny one naps, and I'm here, fresh from the doctor's office, having received yet another bill of GREAT health.

I am beyond grateful.

I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
² I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
³ Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
    their faces are never covered with shame.
⁶ This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
    he saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
    and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
    for those who fear him lack nothing.
¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. -Psalm 34:1-10

The week I thought Cancer was back.

This past week, I went in for my regular mammogram.  I was actually feeling pretty calm - I mean, it's been close to 3 years now since The Bad News, and things had been feeling pretty good.  Add to that the fact that I've been doing a good job taking care of myself - cutting out added hormones where I can, eliminating soy, taking vitamins, and losing weight - it adds up to good stuff in the cancer world...or at least, it's supposed to.

But the mammogram tech said that she needed to get another picture, and said it was no big deal.  Then, they had to take me back to the ultrasound room, "just to get a different view."  Then, they kept coming back for more and more pictures, until The Radiologist came in to take a look personally.

My heart sank.

And in that moment, I knew that, once again, I had the choice to trust God or deny His power and sovereignty.  I once again found comfort in the fact that, though this was certainly taking me by surprise, it was no surprise to God.

As The Radiologist was looking things over, she kept making concerned noises, until she finally said, " Unfortunately, I see something that shouldn't be there.  I see a lump.  It might not be cancer.  But I don't know, and we need to check."

I wanted to throw up.

When I first heard those words three years ago, I remember being overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown.  But this time, I understood what cancer could mean.  I knew the pain, the trauma, the agony that came with that word, both for me, and for those close to me.  And I didn't want it back in my life.

They managed to get me in for the procedure to check the lump the next day, but it still seemed like a long time to wait.  And in that time, I wrestled with the fact that I might, once again, have cancer.

Truthfully, I thought I did. 

And somehow, I became ok with that.  I knew the road would be hard.  I knew it would be painful.  But I also knew that I had grown to thank God for the cancer the first time, and if He decided to use it for His glory a second time, I was prepared to trust Him for that.

Not my will, but His, was my hope.

And in the meantime, God gave me a couple of opportunities to share my perspective on cancer when seen through the lens of a child of God.  I'm so thankful for those conversations.

I went in for my procedure, and I was so blessed by the nurse.  She was so very kind, throughout the whole process.  I made it through, and went home to recooperate.

And wait.

The waiting felt long.  I wasn't sure if I would hear back on Friday or Monday, and I so hoped for Friday.  I knew that the earliest that the clinic would get any lab results back was 11am.

I kept my phone very close by. 

Just after 11:30, the phone rang, and my mouth immediately went dry.

It was The Radiologist.  I found it awkward to go through small talk, but I tried my best. 

"How are you?" I asked.

"I'm fine," she replied. "How are you?"

I felt like that was kind of what the whole phone call was about, so I just waited.

"Well," she started again, "It's good news." 

I finally exhaled.  She gave me a lot more of an explanation, but truthfully, I retained very little of what she said.  It'll probably be in a report somewhere anyway.  But I'm cancer free! And I'm so very thankful. 

God could have allowed the cancer to come back, and He still would have been good.  I would still have acknowledged His faithfulness.  But I am immeasurably grateful that God, in His goodness and grace, has allowed me to stay cancer free. 

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
    for he has been good to me.
           Psalm 13:5-6

I'm so thankful to be a survivor!

2 years....and Counting!

Two years ago today, I completed my treatment for breast cancer.  In some ways, it seems like a different lifetime ago.  And in some ways, it still seems fresh, and even a bit raw at times.

But no matter how difficult having cancer was - and it was difficult - it was a beautiful thing to celebrate being done.  It was wonderful to know that, by the grace of God, I made it through the fight.

And now I'm 2 and and 7 months out from my diagnosis date, and have been out of treatment for 2 years.  To celebrate, I went to my oncologist for a checkup (ok, it just happened that way).   I often dread it, and this time was no exception.  However, it was fun to see all the wonderful staff that helped make cancer bearable.  And, on top of it all, my oncologist gave me a clean bill of health, and said she had no concerns.  Praise God!  I am so thankful for his mercy in letting me keep good health.  I have vowed to praise him whether or not things go my way, but it is wonderful that He has given me such a sweet gift.

I have rarely (almost never) posted pictures of me from my battle with cancer.  It's too painful to even remember what I looked like - much less share that with the Internets.  I think that, in part, it's because it reminds me of how I felt.  However, for the purpose of celebration, here is a picture of me and Dave in 2010, at a celebration party just a few days after I finished treatment:

And now, 2 years later:

It's even more fun if you get the full picture of how much life has changed!

S'mores were an awesome wedding favor at my best friend's wedding!

I am incredibly blessed.  And while sometimes our blessings come in different ways, I am reminded yet again of of what a great God I serve.  Not because he chose to give me back my health, but because he is faithful, and He is good.  All the time.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8

Faith, trust, and health

Yesterday I had another followup mammogram, and I think I was more nervous for this one for the last one.  There was just more at stake if they found cancer, and the possibilities were pretty heavy to think about.

Dave and I spent awhile praying the night before, and we determined that we would praise God no matter the outcome, because he IS faithful, no matter the circumstances.

However, even though I know he is faithful, I also know that He can allow difficult circumstances that I will not enjoy.  I think trusting God is not just a blind "trust" that circumstances will turn in my favor, but trust that because God is faithful, He will walk with me through any situation, working for my good and His glory.

So, my head and heart were trusting God, and my stomach was in knots!

However, I am happy to report that God is not only faithful, but He also gave me the blessing of still being cancer free!  That means I'm a year and a half out from my diagnosis, and only 6 months away from the next big milestone of 2 years.

We are so thankful!

Final Surgery Update

I realized today that the last thing I said about my final surgery was that it had been hard, and that I was in pain.

So, here's the last update: I am feeling pretty good now, and while the surgery site is still kind of tender, it's not really causing too much pain with normal movements.  It still really hurt when I was laying on the couch and Yarbo pounced on me and landed on my incision, but I even survived that!

So, everything's looking good, and starting to feel good too!

Yarbo is great. Pain is not.

Well, the pain has kicked in.  More accurately, it's kicking me.  Repeatedly.  I woke up this afternoon in a foggy haze, and realized that the anesthesia was wearing off.  It mostly hurts a lot if I move any muscle.  Or breathe. :)

Yarbo has been great this afternoon though.  He just somehow knows, and has been so good.  He's glued to me like white on rice and won't leave my side, but he's been so gentle and obedient.  It's been nice to have him snuggle with me during such a long, icky afternoon.  Dave took a picture of us while I was napping:

 Speaking of Dave, he's been pretty great too.  He made me mac n cheese for dinner, and gets my meds for me, and tucks me in for naps.  He's very good at tucking me in.  Back in January, when I was recovering from more major surgeries, and during the bad chemo days, I would sometimes take extra naps just so he would tuck me in again.

All this talk about naps has made me ready for another one.

Dave, can you please tuck me in?

No more creepy power port!

Disclaimer: I wrote this post still hopped up on surgery meds, so readers beware!

I'm done with my last surgery of the year!  It was my 4th surgery of 2010, and I believe I have had a total of 9 procedures accomplished within those surgeries.  I'm telling you what, I'm ready - oh, so, ready, to be done with surgeries for a long while!

I got there, and despite being on anti-anxiety meds (hello, Ativan, glad we became friends) for the surgery, I was still shaking like a leaf.  Actually, I stood there in the room, and when my nurse, C, asked me to lay down on the table, I told her I was trying to decide if I was going to throw up.  She smiled, quickly grabbed a puke tray, and then said, "Ok, can you please lay down anyway?"  I like her a lot.

Also (warning, the ending is not gross, but this next description sort of is.  If you get queasy easily, just skip to the next paragraph, I just thought this was funny), I did have one moment of slight panic.  When I was brought back into the room, C was prepping stuff for my surgery, when I saw something that made me almost throw up.  It looked like a bunch of gauze pads dripping with partly-dried blood.  I though to myself, "I sure hope they don't leave my bloody gauze for the next patient to get light headed over."  But then, I thought, "really, that's just poor practice, and isn't that really un-sterile or something?" So, I tentatively asked C what that was, and she said, "Oh, don't worry about it." I think she was trying to get my mind off of what was coming, so I just came right out and said, "Um, is that someone else's partly-dried blood?"  The entire room stopped and stared to see if I was serious (which I, to my embarrassment, was.)  She started laughing - a lot, actually - and said no, no, no - we do not keep blood.  It's tons of iodine and stuff to disinfect where your incision would be!

Anyway, we got stuff going, and the needle and stuff injected to numb the area HURT.  Like crazy!  Lucky for me (who are we kidding, lucky for all of us), at my request, Dr. K made a little "pup tent" over one side of my face, so I couldn't see anything.  Unfortunately, I could sometimes see what was going on in the reflection of C's glasses!

 Fortunately, it didn't take too long.  We spent most of the time talking and making jokes, so even though I didn't like it, at least it didn't take too long. And unlike one of the other procedures where I've been cut open while awake, I couldn't tell when he made the cut!  It was pretty uncomfortable, and feeling him stich me up was really weird, but guess what:  it's DONE!!!

I also want to give Dr. K and nurse C a lot of credit - they were so understanding of my fears, and the fact that they didn't minimize them, or make me feel foolish for all the weird questions, really went a long way in helping me get through it.  Laughing at my jokes that probably weren't funny (I mean, c'mon, I was on a lot of meds!) was nice of them too. Also, everything I know about them points to them being really, really good at their jobs, and it's always nice to know I'm in good hands!

For those of you with a strong stomach and a good amount of curiosity, you can click here  to see the photo of my power port, along with some brief explanations of what's what in the photo (I thought I would give everyone the option, rather than posting it directly!).

Anyway, for right now, the whole area feels numb still, so I'm not in much pain.  Loopy from the drugs, but that's not too bad.  I'm hoping that will still be the case in a few hours from now!  If not, oh well.  It's DONE!

Last surgery for awhile....

Well, this morning I'm heading off to get my port removed.  I'm nervous, but not really scared.  I've been through enough painful things this year that I know what I'm heading into, but because I have a good idea of how it will feel, I'm really dreading it.

The procedure is at 11, and I should be done and out the door by 12 or a little after.  So, at least it should (hopefully) be quick!

If you have a moment, you can pray that all will go well, that there will be no complications, and that I do not have any panic attacks since I will be awake (though medicated!) for this "procedure."

health update

I went to my oncologist last Friday, and got a thorough checkup.  Dr. W was very pleased with my health, and kept saying things like "oh, wow, you've made big progress," and "wow, so, so glad you're doing this well so soon" and other such things.  So, between that and the mammogram I had last month, I really seem to be in good shape!  And, Dr. W said she'd be more than happy to write a reference for us for adoption.  So glad!

Also, I ran into my favorite chemo nurse, Trish, and it was so much fun to catch up with her.  She had a few minutes in between patients, and it was great to talk.  It reminded me all over again how much the medical staff I had personally invest in their patients.  I finished chemo on May 21, and she still gives me a hug in December!  I have been so blessed by the wonderful medical staff who I've worked with.

I get my port removed later this week, and am pretty nervous.  That's a big step down from nervous meltdown, which was were I was earlier.  However, I've been thinking about a verse from one of my favorite books of the Bible, 2 Timothy, chapter 1.

 ⁷For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 

Also this verse from Joshua 1:

⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

I do not like the idea of being sliced open on the table and having my arteries chopped up and sewn back together while I'm awake.  However.  My surgeon is wonderful, and I'll be on drugs, and above all that, God will be with me, right there in the room.  And I'll put my trust in that.

Thank goodness our social worker doesn't drink coffee.

We had our first home visit this past week.  I was more than a little nervous, in fact, I sort of felt sick to my stomach.  So, I did what I always do when I'm stressed:  I plan.  And plan.  And plan some more.

Also, we cleaned.  A lot, in fact, since no picker-upper-thing magically appeared at our house.  It wasn't so much the vacuuming or dusting, it was more the craziness of being in the middle of major house projects, and the chaos that inevitably comes with said projects.

Nevertheless, 9:30am on Wednesday came, and we felt pretty prepared.  I had planned and cleaned as much as possible, and we prayed it would go as well as possible.  It's kind of weird, to think that someone is going to come into your home and study you and your house, and determine whether or not you will be fit parents.  It's also nerve-wracking to think about how much power they really have over your future.

I'm so glad that God reminded me that he is still sovereign, even over social workers, and we prayed everything would go according to His plan.

So, she came, looked at our house, had a few minor suggestions, and then we sat down to start the questioning.  I offered her coffee, and she politely declined, opting for ice water instead.  Then, we got down to business.

First, we were given MORE paperwork.  In fact, an entire STACK of additional paperwork.

Next, we were asked a TON of questions about our personalities, our hobbies, views on parenting, and our relationship.

She asked Dave and I what attracted us to each other, and after Dave and I both answered, she said, "I've been doing this for 11 years, and am pretty much never surprised, I've heard it all.  Until this past question.  I've never heard two people talk so specifically, deeply, and highly of each other!"

So, I guess we get bonus points for being in love.

Anyway, we finished answering the questions for that session, scheduled the next one, she packed up her things, and we showed her to the door.

Fast forward to today.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I had planned ahead of times what cups I would serve which beverages in for her (while we're into confessions, I had also planned ahead of time what coffee cup I would use based on what I was planning on wearing.  I may have a problem.....).

Since she had gone for water, the coffee cup that I had planned was still in the cupboard, and I got it out for today's coffee.   As it turns out, the cup had NOT gotten properly cleaned in the dishwasher, and I'm not at all sure how I missed that when putting it away!  So, I'm quite thankful that our social worker doesn't drink coffee, that would have been embarrassing, and we probably would have gotten docked points for not being able to wash dishes properly (we actually had to read about how to do dishes.  In case you're wondering, you should use hot soapy water, followed by a rinse in clean water, in between uses.)

Next time I will check the cups when planning.

Adoption class - 3 down, 7 to go!

Well, we've officially made it through 3 classes of training - 9 hours down, 21 to go.  Our classes have been... overwhelming.  There is so much to learn about our future kids, and so much to process about ourselves.  It's been incredibly helpful, but a lot to think about.

Last week, we learned a lot about grief and loss cycles.  We learned a lot about how to recognize and diagnose behaviors, and how to help kids cope with their grief, resource them, and teach them to recover from their loss in healthy ways.   We also talked through recognizing our own losses, and where we are in dealing with those loss cycles, to determine whether we would be an asset to a child with a similar loss or not.

I knew that these classes would help us learn a lot about these kids, but they're also helping us learn about ourselves, and our relationship.  It's been difficult in some ways, because it's material that weighs on my heart so strongly, but it's been good.

We've also filled out many, many forms.  Last week, we turned in the following:

• 18-page profile for me
• 18-page profile for Dave
• 15 page profile for couples without children
• 8 page profile on our family
• A photo of us
• A photo of our house
• A letter to our future kid(s)
• A letter to the biological parent(s)
• Copies of our birth certificates
• Copies of our drivers licenses
• Copies of our home, auto, and liability insurance
• Copies of Yarbo's vaccination records
• Copies of last year's tax returns
• A scrapbook about us and our home

I think that's about it.  We realized later that we forgot to include the floor plan of our house.  Hopefully that won't cause too much of an issue.   We also had over an hour's worth of reading as well.  Seriously, this stuff is intense!

We also have the first in-home appointment with our social worker this week.  Dave just finished a major attic insulation project this weekend, and between that and the holidays, our house is not at it's finest.  So, there will be major cleaning going on this week in order to put the house back in order!  I'm kind of wishing I had a picker-upper machine like in Cat in the Hat, but it will all work out ok.

 Hopefully we won't be docked too many points if a few things are out of order!  We've heard that having kids makes your house more prone to messes anyway, so we're just prepping ourselves.

Anyway, we have our class again tomorrow night, and I'm looking forward to it.  Every class we complete gets us that much closer, and that much more equipped to take care of our future kids.  Exciting!

First follow-up mammogram.

Today I went back for my first mammogram, and I was super nervous - I mean, the last one didn't go so hot, and since that's the only experience I really have with mammograms, well....yuck.

As I was having a nervous meltdown, though, I started reading through my Bible, and ended up in Psalms (which is a very good book for melt-down moments), and I read the following:

Praise be to the Lord,

  for he has heard my cry for mercy.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

  my heart trust in him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

  and I will give thanks to him in song.

The Lord is the strength of his people,

  a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.

       ~Psalm 28:6-8

It was exactly what I needed.  One thing I noticed:  The psalmist, David, never said everything felt better.  He said that his heart trusted in God, and because of that he was helped.  There is joy to be found in trusting Christ, no matter the outcome of our circumstances.

When I was waiting for the results of my first mammogram almost a year ago, I determined that whether good news or bad, I would give praise to God.  I decided right then and there that my heart would trust him.  The news then was not good, but with my whole heart I did my best to praise him, no matter what, because the truth of the matter is that God is good, all the time.

This time, I was really nervous to go back for a follow-up mammogram.  I really didn't want bad news.  But, once again, I determined that whether I received good news or bad, that the Lord would be my strength and my shield, and in Him would my heart trust.

I am blessed beyond measure to be able to share that my mammogram came back completely clean and cancer free!  Praise the Lord!  No matter what, my purpose and determination in life is to praise him, but I must say it is incredibly easy to do so when receiving such good news!

One last update - I go in for my final surgery on Wednesday, December 8th, to get my power port removed.   I am dreading it and a little nervous, but after talking with my amazing surgeon, I feel confident in how we decided to move forward, and I'm at least looking forward to having it out and over with.

For now, please join with me in thanking the Lord for a clean bill of health!

We're in!!!

We are very excited, because we got some wonderful news!  WE MADE IT into the next adoption classes, and they begin on November 8th!  Thanks God!

We were told our background checks could take up to two weeks from when they received our fingerprints.  We got our finger prints done and mailed last Thursday, so they probably received them Friday, and we got the call yesterday!

Our classes go from 6-9pm every Monday for 10 weeks, which caused a bit of a problem since I teach till 6pm, and the classes we made it into are about 45 minutes away.  However, I have some of the best piano students/parents ever, and they have so graciously agreed to reschedule during those weeks, so we've already ironed out the scheduling conflicts, and we are good to go! 

Today, we got a little postcard in the mail, with a reminder of our class time, dates, location, etc. (as if I'd forget!).  Then, I read the fine print: "You will receive a detailed letter confirming [a lot of things] a few weeks prior to your training."  I'm already looking forward to the "detailed" letter (translation: 50 more pages of paperwork?).

We're excited!

I'm back! Did you miss me? :)

A few people have asked me about the blog and the complete lack of any posts in August.  Sorry guys....it's not that I haven't had anything to say, but I used to write my blog posts when I was too sick to do anything else.....and I guess I just haven't felt that way lately!  Praise the Lord for that!

I'll give the cancer update in a minute, but first, for any Des-Moines/Central Iowa people, my friend Katie's organization, Katie's Crusaders, is hosting a 5K10K walk/run THIS Saturday, and we still need more runners and walkers!  The walk benefits local families, including ours, who are struggling in various stages of breast cancer.  It's held in Waukee, and starts at 8am.  Click here to sign up for the race, or volunteer!  Not only do you get to support a great cause, but you also get a super cool t-shirt. :)

So...here's a quick cancer update.  I am CANCER FREE!  (I think I've already posted that, but it still makes me smile when I type it).  I'm so thankful for that.  My radiation burns are healing and now just look like super weird tan lines.  My bones aren't aching too much anymore, and I'm starting to get some energy back.  I started taking Tamoxifen, which I'll be on for 5 years.  It's not my favorite, but for once (literally, once - this is the only time I can think of for prescription meds), I'm not getting just about every single possible side effect, and the ones I am getting are pretty manageable.  Praise God for that too!  I really prayed for that.  I've seen my oncologist for a follow-up, and she was very pleased with how healthy I was.  I see my radiologist tomorrow so he can check up on my burns.  And, I'll contact my surgeon soon to get my power port removed.  Woo hoo!  Life is good.  Oh - and let's not forget the truly important details - my eyebrows and eyelashes are fully back, and my hair has grown in enough that I've stopped wearing my scarves all together! 

For all of you who were able to make it to my "Kelli's Kicked Cancer" celebration, thanks for coming!  For those who weren't able to make it, I'll tell you that we had a really great time.  It was so much fun to celebrate, and we had such nice weather - it was just a perfect night. Good food, good friends, and a good time! Here's a picture of Dave and I from the party:

And, keep in mind, my hair's had another month to grow since then!  I put a bunch of photos up on Facebook, so check those out too if you're interested.

So, I'll keep going in for follow-ups, and I still will have one more surgery, probably later this fall, but my journey through cancer is starting to wind down.  However, there are very exciting things coming up for us!   With that in mind, I'll keep the blog going, but change the direction of it quite a bit. 

I'll tell you all about the next phase of our lives very soon!  For now, I'm off to clean up the kitchen, run some errands, then teach piano.  Isn't it just wonderful that I can do all that stuff again?

I AM DONE!!!

Well, it's official.  I am DONE with radiation and am CANCER FREE!  I am so excited, I cried tears of joy all the way home from the hospital today. 

Dr. I came in after my radiation today to check on my skin, and he took one look and said, "Wow....that looks....painful.  Wow..."  It's always comforting when the people who are used to seeing this stuff are a little amazed at the extent of the burns!  So, I'm missing a lot of skin, and to be honest, it's pretty painful, but it's all ok, because I AM DONE!   I'll keep burning for a little while, then my skin will start to heal.  It should be less painful in about a week, and probably start looking at least a little better in two. 

So, what now?  Well, several of you have asked that, and have also asked if there's any scans that I go through, or things like that.  So, let me explain.  First, there aren't any scans, because any cancer that could have been picked up on scans was surgically cut out before any of this ever started.  So, at the end of my treatment (TODAY!!!), I am considered cancer-free!  The past months of radiation and chemo have been to ensure that all the cancer has been removed at the cell-level.  So, I am done with cancer!

Now, for what comes next....well, first, we party!(Check out the link if you haven't seen the e-vite yet!)  Then, I'll keep going to my radiologist every now and then until my skin heals.  My next appointment with Dr. I is in 7 weeks.  I'll also start Tamoxifen, which is drug that helps control....something related to cancer....which I'll take for 5 years (note: the horrible job I do of explaining things should not be blamed on my doctors.  They honestly do a great job of explaining, I just forget a lot of this stuff, and I can't find my notes!).  I'll keep seeing my oncologist every 3 months for awhile to monitor any side effects I experience with that drug.  And, finally, at some point, I'll go back to my surgeon, Dr. K, to get my port removed.  That will probably happen later this fall, when I've recovered a little more from everything else I've had done.  So, I still have more stuff to do, but the cancer is GONE!

I think it will probably hit me more fully later, but for right now, I am just incredibly grateful to God for allowing the treatments to be successful, and incredibly happy to be done and cancer free!

Taste and See that the Lord is good!

Round 8 - the end is in sight!

Wow.  I got round 8 done yesterday.  I can hardly believe it!  It seems surreal.  When I was diagnosed on January 6, it was such a scary time, I didn't have a clue what my life would be like in 6 months - or for that matter, if I would even be alive.  When I started chemo on February 12, I had learned a lot more about my prognosis, and knew that my long term outlook was good, but 4 months of chemo seemed like it would never, ever end.  And now, yesterday, May 21st, I had my last one.

On one hand, I want to do a dance, scream and shout, and party like it's 1999.  On the other hand, I know that I still have a couple more weeks of intense pain to get through, and it's going to be really hard.  But I know that, by the grace of God, I can get through it.  By His strength, I can make it, and find joy in my salvation despite the pain.

The lady who accesses my port each time (in non-cancer terms, puts the IV into the port that I had surgically put in), Leona, gave me a huge hug yesterday.  I'll never forget the first time she accessed it - I was shaking so hard that it took forever, and she had to physically push me back into the chair so that she could do her job.  She was so kind she made me cry, and we've gotten to know each other quite a bit over the last 4 months.  I'll really miss her!

My absolute favorite chemo nurses were there, too, Angie and Trish.  I've really liked all the chemo nurses I've had, but I've had these two the most.  Trish was the one that took care of me the first day.  She put up with a crazy amount of weird questions, and never made me feel stupid once.  When she was teaching me how to give myself the shots, she even showed me how to inject them on herself (with saline, of course!), and when I asked her if I was in any danger of puncturing important organs, like my kidneys or spleen, she was very gracious when she assured me I was not, and in fact, she had never heard of anyone piercing organs with a half-in needle, and was pretty sure it was impossible.

A few medical details from yesterday:
First, the good, great, and wonderful news:  NO MORE SHOTS!!!!!  My doctor was feeling very generous yesterday, and said I am DONE with those awful, horrible little things.  I almost hugged her, but I'm not sure she's the "hugging" type.  She did, however, smile a lot at my enthusiastic response. :)

Also, I can start using Latisse to help jump-start my eye-lash regrowth.  I'm pretty excited for that, since I literally have a grand total of 8 eye lashes left.  No exaggeration.  I'm looking forward to them growing back! 

I am going to start a 5-year hormone drug.  It starts with a T, but I don't remember the name.  However, it can potentially cause blood clots in your legs, so my doctor measured my calves to see where our starting point was.  She found that my right calf measured larger than my left calf, and since the chemo drugs can potentially (though rarely), cause blood clots too, I had to rush right over to the hospital for an ultrasound on my leg after chemo.  It was pretty scary, since the possible outcomes ranged from "nothing at all, I just have weird legs" (not exactly how they termed it, but I think that's what the medical jargon meant), to admitting me into the hospital immediately and holding me there until they fixed the clot, if I was lucky.  So, that was a little nerve-wracking, but we just prayed that everything would turn out alright.  And, while the procedure was uncomfortable, the (un)official results are that I'm fine!  The doctor still has to "approve" the results, but the tech said that she always airs on the side of caution, and saw absolutely nothing that looked abnormal.  And she even did both legs for comparison.  So, thankfully, I just fall into the "weird legs" category.  Praise the Lord for that!

I will be getting the radiation process started in a few weeks.  I know that I will have to go through a "mapping" process, where they "map" out the area on my body for radiation.  Most of the time they make you get tattoos, but yesterday, I found out there are actually alternatives to tattoos, involving super sticky things that you have to keep covered in bandages when not in the office.  I've heard they're more work for the doctors, and more upkeep for me, but it would be completely worth it to me to not have little grey dots all over.  Radiation will be 5 days a week, and I think that will go for 6 or 7 weeks.  I've been so focused on getting through chemo, that I still have a lot to learn about radiation, so I'll keep you posted as I find out more!

Well, I still have a few hours left before it all starts to hit.....and with that time, I am going to a dear friend's wedding.  I've never attempted such a big outing so quickly after chemo, so I am hoping and praying that I make it through!

And, a photo from yesterday.  My friend Katie was also there, so left-right across in the back is Katie, then Angie & Trish, with me in the front.  I am so glad to be done with chemo, but will miss seeing them! I'll have to stop by to say hi every now and then.

I'll keep you posted on my progress as I get through this last round.  I'll be ready for more celebration when I'm done with all the pain from this round.  And I'll REALLY be ready to celebrate in August when I'll be done with everything! 

Here we go again....

Well, round 7 is underway.  The actual chemo went pretty well - in fact, I even got some good news at my doctor's appointment!  I managed to bargain my way into only having to take 3 shots these last two rounds!  I was pretty excited for that. 

What I'm not excited about is the next few days, when I will most likely be in extreme pain again.  I am dreading that in a way that I am unable to describe.  However, at the moment a couple of ibuprofen are taking care of the pain, and my feet and hands aren't tingling or burning yet, for which I am very thankful.

One more thing - on one hand, my eyelashes are nearly gone, and my eyebrows completely thinned out, but I think the peach fuzz on my head is getting just a little thicker!  And I do mean just a little bit - but I'm glad to see any sign of my hair coming back!

Mentally, emotionally, I am just ready for chemo to be over and done with.  A month from now, I will be starting to feel better.  I'm truly looking forward to the end of May, and only God's strength will get me through the rest of this month.

I'll keep you posted on how this round goes.  Thank you all for your prayers, you encouragement, and your support - it means so much.

I can't think of a song today.

Well, yesterday I had round 6 of chemo.  I can't say that I'm done with round 6, because I still have all the side effects, and the shots, to get through.  But I'm getting there.

Yesterday, my doctor was happy with my progress so far, and the good news that came out of that appointment was that since my blood counts were so, so high last week, I only have to take 4 shots per chemo round from here on out!  You guys must have really been praying hard!  So, since I've already taken one shot today, I have a maximum of 11 shots left.  It's only a difference of 3 shots over the rest of my chemo, but I'll take any good news that I can get!

I've had a lot of that same jittery energy from all the steroids as I did last time. Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, worked on laundry, tidied up our room, and a whole bunch of other stuff, all before my appointment!  Today, Dave and I ran a bunch errands together, I folded two huge baskets of laundry, cut Dave's hair, baked bread, made a double batch of lasagna (Emily, yours tasted so much better....not sure what I did wrong!!), an entire vat of chicken noodle soup, and a variety of odds and ends.  But, now the steroids are wearing off, and I'm starting to crash.

In some ways, I've really enjoyed the day.  I've accomplished a lot, which felt good, and it was nice to have so much energy, if only for a little while.  But, all day long I've had this feeling of Impending Doom hanging over my head.  After the last round, I know what's coming, and while I'm hoping it might not be quite so horrible, I know what it might feel like.  Last time, I experienced pain unlike anything I had yet experienced.  And odds are, I will this time too  And I'm dreading it. 

So, in some ways, today has been really hard.  Now that I'm crashing, I know it's back to feeling sick for awhile.  And I'm so tired of that.  I hate the fact that being able to bake bread for the first time this year is such a big deal.  I hate that I run out of energy after cooking meals, to the point where poor Dave had to clean up the massive mess I made.  I hate that nothing in my life feels normal, and that pain has just become "normal." It's NOT normal to be in this much pain, all the time.  I am struggling to not just completely give in to feeling sorry for myself, and I don't like that.  But, that's where I am today.  I am sad, and I hate cancer.

I know there is music that would soothe my heart.  I know there are Bible verses that would feed my soul.  And before I go to bed tonight, I'm determined to think of them, and draw close to God through them.  But right now, I feel so frustrated by my life, so tired of dealing with cancer.  So, until I can think of verses and songs, I'm going to count on your prayers.  I'm so thankful that God listens. 

But, despite my inability to pull myself out of this current feeling, even now, in my head, I know that God sees me, He knows my pain, and that He hurts with me.  And I know that even though I don't understand why I'm going through this, I know he's promised to work everything for the good of those who love Him.  And I do love Him.

Woo hoo!

Thank you so much to all of you who prayed for my appointment today.  Praise the Lord, I don't have to take anymore shots this round!  So, I have 15 total shots left.  With continued prayer, I can do this, and the joy of the Lord will be my strength.


I wanted to share a song that I've been listening to over and over lately - Your Hands, by JJ Heller. It's about resting and trusting in the hands of God, despite hard times.  It focuses on the fact that God is constant and trustworthy when all of life is unreliable and uncertain.  It's been so comforting to me lately.  I posted the lyrics below, and pray that it will be a blessing to you too!





Lyrics:
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands


For more JJ Heller: www.jjheller.com

This new drug is hard.

Several of you have asked about how this new drug is going, so I thought I'd post a quick update. 

In short, this new drug is hard.  To elaborate, it has caused extreme amounts of bone and muscle pain in my legs and hips.  Since the shots I take already cause pain in these areas plus a few more, the last few days have been miserable.  The tingling and burning sensation in my feet is gone now, but my body still aches quite a bit.  I am hoping that the next round will be easier, or that I can be unconscious.  I'm fine with either option. :)

The next thing I have coming up is bloodwork to check my white count levels.  I get that done tomorrow (Thurs), and that will determine if I have to take more than 5 shots for these last 4 rounds of chemo (this current round, plus the last 3).  Since all of you who read this know how much I hate those shots, you can pray that my white counts are good, and that 5 shots per round will be enough!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thanks for your prayers!  I am so thankful for every prayer uttered on our behalf.