4 years and counting!

Blessed doesn't begin to describe how I feel right now.  It's been 4 years and 2 days since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I fought my battle with cancer with wonderful doctors, nurses, and techs guiding my care, and amazing friends and family holding me up in prayer and support, not to mention the oodles and oodles of delicious meals brought to us.  We were not only never hungry, we were never alone.  God sustained us and gave us an abundance of grace for each and every difficult day.  I learned to find joy and rest in the rocks and hard places.

At the end of my battle, we had a party.  By God's grace, I kicked cancer, and I kicked it hard.  I was so thankful, but God's grace and goodness just continued to overflow in my life.  He is so faithful!

I never thought I'd be able to have kids.  And yet God brought not just one, but two of the most amazing boys I've ever known to my home and entrusted them to me to be their mom.   There have been good days, bad days, and even some awful ones, but my word, I never knew I could love a child like that.

As followups continued, I had some scares.  But I promised to praise God no matter what, and even so, he has allowed continued health.  I don't deserve it, but I am so grateful.  He is good, no matter my circumstance, and I WILL give thanks, but sometimes, God just makes it so easy.

And then.  My word.  This past year, I had the shock of my life when I found out I was pregnant.  I never thought I would experience that, and I had come to terms with it.  But God is so gracious, so loving, and he loves to bless his children.  Those blessings do not always come in the form of easy things, or times that feel good, but he is so, so good, and I am absolutely humbled by the blessings he has put in my life.

This past September, I gave birth to one of the 3 most beautiful boys in the entire world, and I lost my heart all over again.  I never knew I could love three little people this much.

And now, 4 years after life felt like it was starting to crumble down around me, here I sit.  My two bigs are playing games while my tiny one naps, and I'm here, fresh from the doctor's office, having received yet another bill of GREAT health.

I am beyond grateful.

I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
² I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
³ Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
    their faces are never covered with shame.
⁶ This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
    he saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
    and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
    for those who fear him lack nothing.
¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. -Psalm 34:1-10

I would never have guessed...

The other day, I came in the front door after a long afternoon out with the kids, only to find this on the table:

I started thinking through possible reasons - but my birthday and anniversary are all pretty far away right now.  I had almost chalked it up to another "just because" bouquet, when I spotted the card tucked into them.

"Happy 3 years since the end of treatment!!"

I had completely forgotten, but my sweet husband hadn't.  Three years ago that day, I had finished my cancer treatments.  Suddenly my mind was in another place, another world.  I remembered crying the entire way home from the hospital that day, because I was so overwhelmed at the idea that I was DONE with cancer, and because I was so grateful to God for allowing me to have victory over that terrible disease.

I also remembered wondering what God would have for my life, and I really had no idea.  We had wanted children for so long before cancer ever hit, but at that point, it just seemed so painfully far off.

But the fact is, I serve an amazingly huge God who just loves to bless His children.  I deserve nothing, and yet He gives me so much. I would never have guessed that just 3 short years later, I would have adopted two children and been pregnant with our third!  God is great, and He is so good to our family. 

If you had given me a secret peak into a window of my future 3 years ago, all I can say, is that my life has moved far beyond what I would have imagined.  I'm so thankful that God has blessed me so richly, and so wonderfully, these past 3 years.

The week I thought Cancer was back.

This past week, I went in for my regular mammogram.  I was actually feeling pretty calm - I mean, it's been close to 3 years now since The Bad News, and things had been feeling pretty good.  Add to that the fact that I've been doing a good job taking care of myself - cutting out added hormones where I can, eliminating soy, taking vitamins, and losing weight - it adds up to good stuff in the cancer world...or at least, it's supposed to.

But the mammogram tech said that she needed to get another picture, and said it was no big deal.  Then, they had to take me back to the ultrasound room, "just to get a different view."  Then, they kept coming back for more and more pictures, until The Radiologist came in to take a look personally.

My heart sank.

And in that moment, I knew that, once again, I had the choice to trust God or deny His power and sovereignty.  I once again found comfort in the fact that, though this was certainly taking me by surprise, it was no surprise to God.

As The Radiologist was looking things over, she kept making concerned noises, until she finally said, " Unfortunately, I see something that shouldn't be there.  I see a lump.  It might not be cancer.  But I don't know, and we need to check."

I wanted to throw up.

When I first heard those words three years ago, I remember being overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown.  But this time, I understood what cancer could mean.  I knew the pain, the trauma, the agony that came with that word, both for me, and for those close to me.  And I didn't want it back in my life.

They managed to get me in for the procedure to check the lump the next day, but it still seemed like a long time to wait.  And in that time, I wrestled with the fact that I might, once again, have cancer.

Truthfully, I thought I did. 

And somehow, I became ok with that.  I knew the road would be hard.  I knew it would be painful.  But I also knew that I had grown to thank God for the cancer the first time, and if He decided to use it for His glory a second time, I was prepared to trust Him for that.

Not my will, but His, was my hope.

And in the meantime, God gave me a couple of opportunities to share my perspective on cancer when seen through the lens of a child of God.  I'm so thankful for those conversations.

I went in for my procedure, and I was so blessed by the nurse.  She was so very kind, throughout the whole process.  I made it through, and went home to recooperate.

And wait.

The waiting felt long.  I wasn't sure if I would hear back on Friday or Monday, and I so hoped for Friday.  I knew that the earliest that the clinic would get any lab results back was 11am.

I kept my phone very close by. 

Just after 11:30, the phone rang, and my mouth immediately went dry.

It was The Radiologist.  I found it awkward to go through small talk, but I tried my best. 

"How are you?" I asked.

"I'm fine," she replied. "How are you?"

I felt like that was kind of what the whole phone call was about, so I just waited.

"Well," she started again, "It's good news." 

I finally exhaled.  She gave me a lot more of an explanation, but truthfully, I retained very little of what she said.  It'll probably be in a report somewhere anyway.  But I'm cancer free! And I'm so very thankful. 

God could have allowed the cancer to come back, and He still would have been good.  I would still have acknowledged His faithfulness.  But I am immeasurably grateful that God, in His goodness and grace, has allowed me to stay cancer free. 

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
    for he has been good to me.
           Psalm 13:5-6

I'm so thankful to be a survivor!

2 years....and Counting!

Two years ago today, I completed my treatment for breast cancer.  In some ways, it seems like a different lifetime ago.  And in some ways, it still seems fresh, and even a bit raw at times.

But no matter how difficult having cancer was - and it was difficult - it was a beautiful thing to celebrate being done.  It was wonderful to know that, by the grace of God, I made it through the fight.

And now I'm 2 and and 7 months out from my diagnosis date, and have been out of treatment for 2 years.  To celebrate, I went to my oncologist for a checkup (ok, it just happened that way).   I often dread it, and this time was no exception.  However, it was fun to see all the wonderful staff that helped make cancer bearable.  And, on top of it all, my oncologist gave me a clean bill of health, and said she had no concerns.  Praise God!  I am so thankful for his mercy in letting me keep good health.  I have vowed to praise him whether or not things go my way, but it is wonderful that He has given me such a sweet gift.

I have rarely (almost never) posted pictures of me from my battle with cancer.  It's too painful to even remember what I looked like - much less share that with the Internets.  I think that, in part, it's because it reminds me of how I felt.  However, for the purpose of celebration, here is a picture of me and Dave in 2010, at a celebration party just a few days after I finished treatment:

And now, 2 years later:

It's even more fun if you get the full picture of how much life has changed!

S'mores were an awesome wedding favor at my best friend's wedding!

I am incredibly blessed.  And while sometimes our blessings come in different ways, I am reminded yet again of of what a great God I serve.  Not because he chose to give me back my health, but because he is faithful, and He is good.  All the time.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8

2 years and counting!

It's so strange to think that, as of today, it's been 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer.  It feels like a lifetime ago, and yesterday, all at once.  It was an extremely painful time, yet it's a time I've come to look back on with thankfulness.

I could go into the details of that day, or rehash the year that followed, but honestly, I mostly just want to say that I'm incredibly thankful.   It's been two years, and after a recent trip to a few of my doctors (you really collect a bunch of them when you get something like cancer!), they say I'm in great health, doing well, and though they'll keep checking on me for awhile, they have no concerns.

It's incredible, really, to think of how God has blessed my life.  By his grace and mercy, I have beat cancer, and now on the other side, I have a wonderful, beautiful, full life.   And it's one I hope to never take for granted.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Psalms 34:8.

Faith, trust, and health

Yesterday I had another followup mammogram, and I think I was more nervous for this one for the last one.  There was just more at stake if they found cancer, and the possibilities were pretty heavy to think about.

Dave and I spent awhile praying the night before, and we determined that we would praise God no matter the outcome, because he IS faithful, no matter the circumstances.

However, even though I know he is faithful, I also know that He can allow difficult circumstances that I will not enjoy.  I think trusting God is not just a blind "trust" that circumstances will turn in my favor, but trust that because God is faithful, He will walk with me through any situation, working for my good and His glory.

So, my head and heart were trusting God, and my stomach was in knots!

However, I am happy to report that God is not only faithful, but He also gave me the blessing of still being cancer free!  That means I'm a year and a half out from my diagnosis, and only 6 months away from the next big milestone of 2 years.

We are so thankful!

A year's worth of numbers.

As of today, January 6, 2011, here is my past year in numbers.

365: days since my diagnosis of breast cancer.

79: people who RSVP's to my Kelli's Kicked Cancer party

76: number of doctor or hospital visits I can remember 

49: posts on this blog about cancer

35: shots I had to give myself

33: radiation treatments

17: tags on my blog about being bald, eyebrows, or eyelashes

14: inches of hair I cut off and donated once I found out I'd be bald. 

9: adoption classes completed out of 10

8: chemo treatments

5: months that I went without cooking because so many people blessed us with meals!

4: surgeries

2: homestudy visits completed, out of 3

1: husband I am completely thankful for

I probably won't post much about cancer for awhile after this, but lately, it's been on my mind a lot again, so thanks for bearing with me!  A year ago, it seemed like this day would never come.  Now, I'm so glad it's here, and am already looking forward to my 2, and even 5 year anniversaries!

365 days later....

I'll never forget January 6, 2010.  All morning, my stomach was churning, to the point where I felt nauseous.  It was a Wednesday, and I had been waiting for the results of my double biopsy since Monday afternoon.

About 12:15, as I was on my way home from work, my cell phone rang.  I'll never forget that moment.  I was getting on the interstate from Hickman, and I was trying to merge into the noon-traffic when I heard the words, "Kelli, I'm so sorry.  It's cancer."  The world started spinning, but somehow I made it home, and I remember my hands were shaking as I was trying to write down the name of the surgeon I was supposed to meet with.

I remember trying to tell a few people that first day, and it was so overwhelming just to say the words, "I have cancer," much less try to explain anything else.

So many things raced through my mind.  I had no idea what stage I was at that point - whether I would die in a few weeks, or have a chance to live life after cancer.  I was pretty sure I wouldn't like being bald (I was right!), and I wondered how bad chemo would be.

Wandering through the maze of treatment options and diagnosis became a time to cry out to God in a whole new way.  I began the process already feeling emotionally drained from all the infertility treatments we'd gone through.  I honestly felt like I didn't have any energy left to deal with cancer.

But the amazing thing about God is that He meets you wherever you are.  It is our choice to simply trust him - and He is faithful, even when we have nothing left.  He comes through; he shows up, every time.  During those long days, and even longer nights, He was my comfort and my strength; my shelter in a horrible storm.

I won't say that I didn't spend time wondering "why?" or wishing I understood how cancer was the best thing for my life.  But there are two absolutes that I know about God:  He is always sovereign, and he is always good.  And I know that he has used cancer in my life to refine me, and draw me closer to Himself.  Dave and I grew closer, and I treasure the relationships in my life so much more.

I'd been reading Psalm 34 for awhile, and I clung to those verses that day - those words carried promise, and hope:

Psalm 34
Of David.

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Breast cancer was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but now, it's a year since the date of my diagnosis.  That's such a big milestone!  And I feel so privileged to be able to celebrate it.  God never promises good health - but I'm so grateful that He has given that to me.

Exactly one year ago today, I said here that I was going to "take the challenge" from Psalms 34.  I was going to take refuge in the Lord, and see that He is good.  I have spent the past 365 days seeking refuge in the Lord, and with every fiber of my cancer-free being, I can promise you this:  I have tasted, I have seen, that He is really, truly good.

A new year - just days away!

It seems like we have had a lot going on lately - everything from a new furnace being put in, to my piano recital, not to mention all the flurry of activity that comes with Christmas (and we had a great one, more on that later!).  It's been fun.

Lately it's also been a time of reflection on the last year.  Last year on this date, I had my very first mammogram ever.  And it didn't  go so hot.

In some ways, it seems like another lifetime ago.  So much has happened, so much has changed.  And yet, there are times when it still seems so....fresh.  So recent.

However, there's a date I'm really looking forward to seeing on the calendar: Jan 6, 2011.  That will be one year from the date of my diagnosis.  The day I got that news, I wasn't sure I would see 2011 on the calendar at all.  And now, 4 surgeries, 8 chemo treatments, 35 shots, 33 radiation treatments, and innumerable doctor's appointments later, 2011 is just 3 days away.

And in 9 days, I'll be a one-year cancer survivor!   I'm so ready to be able to say, "Oh, cancer?  Yeah, that was last year."

health update

I went to my oncologist last Friday, and got a thorough checkup.  Dr. W was very pleased with my health, and kept saying things like "oh, wow, you've made big progress," and "wow, so, so glad you're doing this well so soon" and other such things.  So, between that and the mammogram I had last month, I really seem to be in good shape!  And, Dr. W said she'd be more than happy to write a reference for us for adoption.  So glad!

Also, I ran into my favorite chemo nurse, Trish, and it was so much fun to catch up with her.  She had a few minutes in between patients, and it was great to talk.  It reminded me all over again how much the medical staff I had personally invest in their patients.  I finished chemo on May 21, and she still gives me a hug in December!  I have been so blessed by the wonderful medical staff who I've worked with.

I get my port removed later this week, and am pretty nervous.  That's a big step down from nervous meltdown, which was were I was earlier.  However, I've been thinking about a verse from one of my favorite books of the Bible, 2 Timothy, chapter 1.

 ⁷For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 

Also this verse from Joshua 1:

⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

I do not like the idea of being sliced open on the table and having my arteries chopped up and sewn back together while I'm awake.  However.  My surgeon is wonderful, and I'll be on drugs, and above all that, God will be with me, right there in the room.  And I'll put my trust in that.

First follow-up mammogram.

Today I went back for my first mammogram, and I was super nervous - I mean, the last one didn't go so hot, and since that's the only experience I really have with mammograms, well....yuck.

As I was having a nervous meltdown, though, I started reading through my Bible, and ended up in Psalms (which is a very good book for melt-down moments), and I read the following:

Praise be to the Lord,

  for he has heard my cry for mercy.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

  my heart trust in him, and I am helped.

My heart leaps for joy

  and I will give thanks to him in song.

The Lord is the strength of his people,

  a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.

       ~Psalm 28:6-8

It was exactly what I needed.  One thing I noticed:  The psalmist, David, never said everything felt better.  He said that his heart trusted in God, and because of that he was helped.  There is joy to be found in trusting Christ, no matter the outcome of our circumstances.

When I was waiting for the results of my first mammogram almost a year ago, I determined that whether good news or bad, I would give praise to God.  I decided right then and there that my heart would trust him.  The news then was not good, but with my whole heart I did my best to praise him, no matter what, because the truth of the matter is that God is good, all the time.

This time, I was really nervous to go back for a follow-up mammogram.  I really didn't want bad news.  But, once again, I determined that whether I received good news or bad, that the Lord would be my strength and my shield, and in Him would my heart trust.

I am blessed beyond measure to be able to share that my mammogram came back completely clean and cancer free!  Praise the Lord!  No matter what, my purpose and determination in life is to praise him, but I must say it is incredibly easy to do so when receiving such good news!

One last update - I go in for my final surgery on Wednesday, December 8th, to get my power port removed.   I am dreading it and a little nervous, but after talking with my amazing surgeon, I feel confident in how we decided to move forward, and I'm at least looking forward to having it out and over with.

For now, please join with me in thanking the Lord for a clean bill of health!

Changin it up!

As previously mentioned, I've been ridiculously busy lately, and the house .....well..... please give me fair warning before you come over, so I can give you fair warning of what you'd be walking into!

Anyway, I was trying to sort through some things and organize, and I started a "cancer" pile.  A few favorite scarves or hats, my wig, a HUGE stack of cards from many of you, and stuff like that.  It was wonderful to realize that I no longer need those - I can completely put them away, I don't need them anymore!

Next, Dave joined me and we were working on the downstairs, and needed a place to put our massive adoption homework binder.  I looked over at our side table in the living room, and noticed that we still had the big section of cancer info - the place where I kept info given to me by doctors, notes from appointments, stuff I was supposed to read, etc.  We happily replaced that with our adoption binder.  

This has been a huge year for us.  Big highs, big lows.  And it feels wonderful to start boxing up the cancer stuff, and replacing cancer info with the adoption binder.   Even if the binder does mean lots of work.  Somehow, it looks so much nicer, and the room just seems....happier.

Creepy little cancer cells (don't worry, they're not in me!)

I was looking at Nikon's Small World photography site, which is all about taking ridiculously zoomed in photos of things and you normally wouldn't be able to see with the naked eye. 

A doctor from Scotland took pictures of 2 cancer cells that are in the process of dividing into 4 cells!  I don't know what kind of cancer it was, but it was weird to look at it, while thinking, "creepy little cancer cells like that used to live in my body."  I'm SO thankful to God that they're gone!

Meanwhile, the photo is still pretty cool. Click here to check it out!

Drinking Diet Dew for a good cause.

If you don't know this already, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Even the NFL football players are wearing pink (Go Bears!).  Today, as I was getting stuff out of the fridge, I noticed that our Diet Mountain Dew had pink on it, so I looked at the tag.  Pepsi is donating money directly to different cancer centers, including John Stoddard Cancer Center here in Des Moines!  It goes right to cancer research.

I can't say enough good things about the doctors and staff at John Stoddard, so if you're going to be drinking pop anyway, may I suggest a Pepsi product with a pink tag!

A soy-free, hormone-free adventure.

One thing I'm finding out about cancer is that it affects a lot of your life.  I know that seems pretty....obvious, but I'm still learning a lot about what that means for me personally.  Some things are large-scale life adjustments, like having to adjust our adoption plan and learning to trust God for our family at a whole new level.   Some of them are smaller things, like not being able to get blood pressure taken on my right arm anymore (due to the loss of lymph nodes), which isn't all that life-altering.  Then, there's the medium kind of adjustments, one of which is change in diet. 

I love soy.  I used to eat dry-roasted soybeans a lot, because they were a very lean source of protein and had lots of filling fiber.  I think it tastes delicious, and it's in tons of health foods, in the form of protein, soybean oil, etc.   I even had a delicious low-calorie chocolate-mint cupcake recipe that used soy flour.   Unfortunately, soy also produces estrogen, and estrogen feeds my type of cancer.  It's not like a food allergy - one soybean won't really have any kind of an impact on me.  But, my doctors have recommended cutting soy out of my normal diet.  It's not a big deal if I eat things that contain soy occasionally, but my "routine" food shouldn't contain soy anymore.  I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, until I started checking each item that in our pantry.  Wow....

In addition, I am supposed to switch to hormone-free meat and poultry.  At this point, it's starting to feel like quite the adjustment!

What a blessing it is that God created me with a love of cooking!  I've always liked healthy cooking, but this is really altering my understanding of what's healthy for me personally.   And, now that so many of the healthy pre-packaged foods are off-limits, I'll be making more and more things at home, so I'll know exactly what is (and is not) in them.   In addition, I am working on finding ways to be picky about our food, and be very frugal at the same time.  So, in the upcoming months, I'll be sharing bits and pieces of our culinary adventures. 

For starters, we bought a cow.  Actually, we are buying a cow with several other families, as I'm pretty sure an entire cow would be a lot of meat.  I'll keep you posted with that, as it's an adventure in and of itself!  It's taking a lot for me to to be able to acknowledge/cope with the fact that our beef will actually come from a cow. I've always liked just thinking about my beef coming from the backroom in the store, so it's a pretty big mental adjustment, since I really like cows, and enjoy petting them when I can.  I've had to use the word, "carcass" and, "hanging weight" in sentences, and while I almost threw up once during the conversation with the very kind, patient farmer, I'm really looking forward to seeing how this all pans out! I think we get the meat towards the end of this month.

In the meantime, I've been working a bit on the layout of the blog.  In addition to wanting to learn more myself, I want to provide resources for others facing cancer, or looking forward to adoption, so stop over and check it out - and be sure to add any favorite resources you might have!

I'm back! Did you miss me? :)

A few people have asked me about the blog and the complete lack of any posts in August.  Sorry guys....it's not that I haven't had anything to say, but I used to write my blog posts when I was too sick to do anything else.....and I guess I just haven't felt that way lately!  Praise the Lord for that!

I'll give the cancer update in a minute, but first, for any Des-Moines/Central Iowa people, my friend Katie's organization, Katie's Crusaders, is hosting a 5K10K walk/run THIS Saturday, and we still need more runners and walkers!  The walk benefits local families, including ours, who are struggling in various stages of breast cancer.  It's held in Waukee, and starts at 8am.  Click here to sign up for the race, or volunteer!  Not only do you get to support a great cause, but you also get a super cool t-shirt. :)

So...here's a quick cancer update.  I am CANCER FREE!  (I think I've already posted that, but it still makes me smile when I type it).  I'm so thankful for that.  My radiation burns are healing and now just look like super weird tan lines.  My bones aren't aching too much anymore, and I'm starting to get some energy back.  I started taking Tamoxifen, which I'll be on for 5 years.  It's not my favorite, but for once (literally, once - this is the only time I can think of for prescription meds), I'm not getting just about every single possible side effect, and the ones I am getting are pretty manageable.  Praise God for that too!  I really prayed for that.  I've seen my oncologist for a follow-up, and she was very pleased with how healthy I was.  I see my radiologist tomorrow so he can check up on my burns.  And, I'll contact my surgeon soon to get my power port removed.  Woo hoo!  Life is good.  Oh - and let's not forget the truly important details - my eyebrows and eyelashes are fully back, and my hair has grown in enough that I've stopped wearing my scarves all together! 

For all of you who were able to make it to my "Kelli's Kicked Cancer" celebration, thanks for coming!  For those who weren't able to make it, I'll tell you that we had a really great time.  It was so much fun to celebrate, and we had such nice weather - it was just a perfect night. Good food, good friends, and a good time! Here's a picture of Dave and I from the party:

And, keep in mind, my hair's had another month to grow since then!  I put a bunch of photos up on Facebook, so check those out too if you're interested.

So, I'll keep going in for follow-ups, and I still will have one more surgery, probably later this fall, but my journey through cancer is starting to wind down.  However, there are very exciting things coming up for us!   With that in mind, I'll keep the blog going, but change the direction of it quite a bit. 

I'll tell you all about the next phase of our lives very soon!  For now, I'm off to clean up the kitchen, run some errands, then teach piano.  Isn't it just wonderful that I can do all that stuff again?

I AM DONE!!!

Well, it's official.  I am DONE with radiation and am CANCER FREE!  I am so excited, I cried tears of joy all the way home from the hospital today. 

Dr. I came in after my radiation today to check on my skin, and he took one look and said, "Wow....that looks....painful.  Wow..."  It's always comforting when the people who are used to seeing this stuff are a little amazed at the extent of the burns!  So, I'm missing a lot of skin, and to be honest, it's pretty painful, but it's all ok, because I AM DONE!   I'll keep burning for a little while, then my skin will start to heal.  It should be less painful in about a week, and probably start looking at least a little better in two. 

So, what now?  Well, several of you have asked that, and have also asked if there's any scans that I go through, or things like that.  So, let me explain.  First, there aren't any scans, because any cancer that could have been picked up on scans was surgically cut out before any of this ever started.  So, at the end of my treatment (TODAY!!!), I am considered cancer-free!  The past months of radiation and chemo have been to ensure that all the cancer has been removed at the cell-level.  So, I am done with cancer!

Now, for what comes next....well, first, we party!(Check out the link if you haven't seen the e-vite yet!)  Then, I'll keep going to my radiologist every now and then until my skin heals.  My next appointment with Dr. I is in 7 weeks.  I'll also start Tamoxifen, which is drug that helps control....something related to cancer....which I'll take for 5 years (note: the horrible job I do of explaining things should not be blamed on my doctors.  They honestly do a great job of explaining, I just forget a lot of this stuff, and I can't find my notes!).  I'll keep seeing my oncologist every 3 months for awhile to monitor any side effects I experience with that drug.  And, finally, at some point, I'll go back to my surgeon, Dr. K, to get my port removed.  That will probably happen later this fall, when I've recovered a little more from everything else I've had done.  So, I still have more stuff to do, but the cancer is GONE!

I think it will probably hit me more fully later, but for right now, I am just incredibly grateful to God for allowing the treatments to be successful, and incredibly happy to be done and cancer free!

Taste and See that the Lord is good!

Only 8 treatments left!

I can hardly believe I only have 8 treatments left!  EIGHT!  I am so excited, and really looking forward to being done.  Radiation hasn't been too bad overall, but daily appointments are kind of a pain to schedule around, I'm getting more and more tired, and my skin is burning, which really hurts.  My doctor gave me a burn cream for the painful areas, which I'm hoping will help a lot.  And, even better, I only have 3 more of the treatments that radiate the most painful areas!  After that, I just do 5 "bonus" treatments just at the lumpectomy site, so that shouldn't be too bad.  I do keep burning for up to two weeks after I'm done, so it will get worse before it gets better, but even so, it's nice to have just one part of my body in pain, rather than my entire body.  It's pretty uncomfortable, but nothing even CLOSE to how awful chemo was.

Now for the big news....I have enough eyelashes back to wear mascara again!  I had so much fun with that today.  It's been long enough since I've had enough lashes to wear it that I couldn't even find it for a few minutes, but once I did, I had a blast putting it on!  I think the last time mascara was that fun was when I first started wearing it. 

As you can see at the top of the blog, we're having a "Kelli's Kicked Cancer" party on August 6th to celebrate being DONE with cancer.  For those of you in the Des Moines area who are close enough to come, we'd love to have you!  You can click on the link to view the invite.  If you have any trouble viewing the invite, just email me and I'll get you more info.  We hope you'll join us if you can - we're really looking forward to celebrating, and the more the merrier!

There's a song that has been running on repeat in my head lately - some of you may know it.  It's called, "If you want me to," by Ginny Owens.


Here are the lyrics:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason
why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a
world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

This song really hits home as I think about the journey I've been on in the recent months.  I don't feel the world turning against me, but it's felt like my body turned against me.  And no matter how many amazing people have surrounded us, there have been times where I've felt very alone.  And I don't know why God has brought this into my life.  But, I also know that I'm not the same person I was when I started, and I think God is using this in my life to refine me, to shape me and mold me.


I've been thinking about Jeremiah 29:11 a lot lately:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So often it seems like this verse is uses as a promise that life will eventually feel good.  You know, kind of a "don't worry, the sun will shine again," kind of verse.  I've been thinking lately that it's much more than that.   I don't think the promise to prosper me and not to harm me has nearly as much to do with my physical well being as it does with my spiritual well being.  Cancer has been extremely taxing physically and emotionally, but I do believe that God is using this in my life to bring me close to him. 


Another often-quoted verse is Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

It's one thing to say those words when everything is going great.  It's been another thing to say them when things aren't going as well.  But the fact is that the verse is the same, no matter what my circumstances.  God is the same, no matter what I'm going through.  He is still sovereign, and His word is always, always true. 


That's why, to me, Romans 5:8 is the REAL feel good verse of the Bible:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

 The fact is, God will work this cancer for my good.  And the wonderful news is, whether I see how that works out or not, He has already sent his Son to die for me.  My trust in Christ for eternal salvation is something that cancer can't take away.  Rather, it's made me even more aware of my mortality.  It's made me aware of how small I am, and how big God is.  These words between Paul and God from 2 Cor 12:8-10 hit so close to home for me:

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

To say that I have not enjoyed cancer would be the understatement of the year for me.  Despite that, I can say that I am thankful for the ways that God has used it to strengthen my relationship with Him in the midst of it.  I can't say that I understand why I've had cancer, but I have felt His presence as He's led me through it.  He has been my refuge, my strength, and my comfort.


I've been doing a lot of thinking as all these cancer treatments are winding down, but these verse keep coming to mind over and over again, and they ring true every time!

Glorify the LORD with me;

let us exalt his name together...

...Taste and see that the LORD is good;      

blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

I'm over half way done!!

I'm over half-way done with radiation!  I'm so excited, and really looking forward to being all the way done.  I have 13 treatments left, 8 of which are full treatments, and 5 of which will be only on the lumpectomy site.

I'm starting to get a little burned, and my doctor said that radiation will continue to burn my skin for up to 2 weeks after the treatment, so by mid-August I should start healing and feeling better.  In the meantime, I'm applying coconut oil to the burns all the time, to the point where I'm starting to smell like a day at the beach.  Ah well....at least it's the right season!!

On a more fun note, although radiation makes me tired, it's no where near the awfulness that chemo was, and it's been so much fun to do some "normal" things, even if it's between naps.  This weekend we had a bunch of family over for lunch, and we got to take my grandma back to Omaha.  Here's a photo of 3 generations of the Patterson women:

It was fun to have people over for lunch, and it was fun to spend time with family.  After spending what seemed like such a long time not being able to do much at all, I truly treasure times like these.

God has taught me so much over the last 7 months, and has been so faithful.  Even so, I am really looking forward to getting back to life more fully.
 
Also, though you can't really tell too much in the picture, my EYELASHES are growing back in!  So are my eyebrows, and I am just thrilled beyond words to have them coming back.  I'll never take them for granted again!  Pretty soon I'm going to try wearing mascara again, and I can hardly wait!  My hair is growing back in too - it's not quite half an inch right now, but I've been happy to see that it's growing back in nice and dark.

Please join with me in praying that the burns don't get too bad.  Not only is it pretty uncomfortable, but if they get too bad, I'll have to take a week off of radiation, and I really want to be done on July 29th!